Height Of Miscommunication

This takes place in India ...

Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
"Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma? "
"Yes......speaking.."
AEC guy,"You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy .
"What are you saying? It's in your files.. HOW?????"
"Yes, We have a system of finding out who's overdue."
"GEEZ !!!!!!......... this is too much.........."
"Madam, I am sorry, I am following orders...I have to inform you are overdue."
"I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow. "

That night, she tells her husband the story, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. She'd have to use a candle, I guess."

Geography Of Women & Men

GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 33, a woman is like Canada, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 33 and 43, a woman is like India ; very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 43 and 50, a woman is like France, gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 51 and 59, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 60 and 65, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.

Between 66 and 70 , a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now unpatrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. A mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.


GEOGRAPHY OF MEN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like America - ruled by a dick.

Is Hell Exothermic???

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, Of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than One of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, We can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the
temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the act that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Adult Confession

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 25th reunion and have lunch together.

Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions, but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."

After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera we're going to my parent's house for two weeks."

The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a Taurus."

"Well," the third woman says, "I've got a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."

Some Chinese Names To Avoid

This is something cute to brighten up everyone's mood!

Mandarin
Paul Chan - Bankrupt
Anne Chang – Dirty
Faye Chen - Dusty
Anne Chin - Keep quiet
Henry Mah - Hate your mum
Jane Tan - Frying eggs
Nelson Tan - Bird laying eggs
Leslie Tong - Rubbish bin Hokkien
Carl Cheng - Buttock
Monica Cheng - Touching your buttocks
Lucy Leow - You are dead
Suzie Leow - Lost till death
Lim Yew Lin - Drink urine
Lim Teh Peng - Drink iced tea
Danny See - Squeeze you to death
Corrine Tai - Poor fellow
Rosie Teng - Screws and nails
Carmen Tng - Leg hair long
Pete Tsai - Nose droppings Cantonese
Connie Mah - Call your mother
Macy Koh - Never die before
Micheal Tan - Sell eggs
Micheal Loong - Sell chicken cage

They Walk Among Us!!!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old, still working fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.

. . . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

. . . . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

. . . . . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

. . . . . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car that's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

. . . . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.

. . . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

. . . . . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!

While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

. . . . . . . . Yep, They Walk Among Us. They walk among us, and reproduce too!

You're Always By My Side

A man was walking across the road when he met with an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be in a coma for 2 days.


When he opened his eyes, his wife was by his side. He told her (in tears), "When I was struggling with my studies in the University, I failed again and again. Sometimes I even have to re-take my papers. You were there by my side, encouraging me to go on trying."


She squeezed his hands as he continued, "When I went for major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there, cutting out the job ads for me to apply..."

He added, " ...then I started working in this little firm and finally got a big contract. I blew it because of a small mistake. But you are still there for me."

His wife was in tears.


The man said, "I finally got a job after being laid off for quite some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now. You are still beside me..."


His wife's tears trickled down as she listened to him, "And now I met with an accident and when I woke up, you are here with me. There's something I really like to say to you..."


She flung herself on the bed and hug her husband, sobbing with deep emotion.


Finally her husband said,.............







"I think you bring me bad luck-lah."

The Onion And The Christmas Tree

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??"

"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

Permission Slips!!!

Hope you would enjoy this ^_^

Below is the permission slips for husband / boyfriend...

Below is the permission slip for wife / girlfriend...

How Do You Sleep???

Contrary to the previous one (curling up), you are gentle, polite, sincere and loving. Well, nothing is perfect. Build up your self confidence and learn to accept mistakes or imperfection. Happiness will then come your way!  

What a liberty loving-soul! Well, this posture reveals your true identity. Comfort-lover and beauty-worshipper, you are also a real spendthrift (but luckily you earn just as much). Your other undesirable trait is that you are a bit nosy and seem to enjoy gossiping. Well, who did you mention in your tales lately?

If you sleep face down all night, you are likely to be narrow minded. You are probably self centered and always force people to comply with your own needs. You are also likely to be reckless and desultory. Time to change your sleep posture.

You feel lonely and depressed because you are obsessed with your past failures and set backs. You are hesitant and indecisive, giving others an impression that love has been missing in your life.

Selfish, jealous and vindictive are words that describe you. People around you got to be careful not to step on your toes as you are easily irritated!

You are inclined to be fussy, always whining and complaining. Nervousness is probably your second name. You tense up easily and get overly excited over small matters. Life isn't such a big deal. Learn to relax.

You may appear real macho in public, but deep down inside you are shy and weak. You tend to keep loads of secrets. If you encounter any problem, you will rather keep it to yourself and agonise over it than ask for help. No wonder you grimace in your sleep!

You're highly intelligent and enthusiastic to learn. Yet sometimes you are filled with cranky ideas which people find it hard to follow. You take good care of your family, but the problem is you hardly love anyone. A little bit choosy, huh?

Anyone who sleeps cross-legged is said to be self-obsessed and finds difficulty in accepting changes. Solitude is your priority.