Set Healthy Improvement Goals for Yourself

Live well. Eat well. Exercise well. It's a fresh start to the New Year.

Posted by Gabrielle Reece on Wed, Jan 10, 2007, 10:49 pm PST

Let's get down to it, unless it's to see how many slices of the pizza you can eat, setting goals is generally not all about yee haw. It's connected to work. Good. Now that we got that out of the way, let's figure out some low drama/stress ways to create a few diet and fitness goals.

1. Ask yourself: what the "Why" or reason is that you want to do this in the first place. Once you figure out what your why is, then focus in on that baby. If your why is strong enough, then you will have a good motive (both with your brain and heart) to stick to your goals, and you will do a better job at it.

2. Figure out where you're at in a few places. For starters, how is your overall fitness level, and how long has it been since you have been in a regular fitness routine?

Don't go out there guns blazing the first week and make yourself so tired and sore that you don't want to look at another sneaker or dumbbell as long as you live. On the nutrition front, don't approach this with the attitude of "what can I not eat now" but look at it like, 'What can I eat?"

Do not starve yourself. This is not a diet. This is about setting goals that reflect a change in lifestyle, not about goals that make you feel deprived.

3. Once you know who you are, then have your goals reflect your likes. If you like to be alone, then go on walks and wear your music at the gym. Prefer to hang with someone? Take a class or invite a friend to go for a hike. If you can't stand to be locked in the indoors, then create goals that represent you. Don't struggle every day doing something that you can't stand.

Find goals that you will be able to really follow through with week after week. Hate cottage cheese or low-cal anything? Forget it! You find the foods that will give you energy and help you reach your goals that you enjoy eating. They are out there, and yes, it sometimes takes a little more effort to find them, but they are there.

4. Set goals within your goals. Don't just start out saying, "I want to lose 30 or 60 pounds and run a marathon." Hello, who can live up to that one? How's that for stress? How does, "I'm going to work out four times a week this week and do cardio for 10 minutes" sound?

"Then next week I'm going to up my cardio to 15 minutes and throw in two days of light resistance training." Once you get a little momentum, then begin with the psychotic roller coaster talk of "I'm going to lose four pounds this week."

For me personally, I think that is a little scary, but I know some of you love those numbers, and I'm not going to fight with you. By setting these mini goals, you will be successful all along the way. This will give you more motivation during the process because you will be inspired by not only your results, but also the feeling of victory.

5. Reset the brain and heart. So, you're taking this on and doing a mini restart in your life. That means you have to see and believe the you that you are becoming. Cliché, I know, but the power of the mind followed by the belief of the heart is some serious juice. If we don't have that lined up when we create our goals, it doesn't matter if we do everything right, we can't make it happen. Clear away those old thoughts and habits that will keep you from reaching your goals.

6. Be realistic with your time reality. If you work five days a week and have two kids, then don't set goals where you are going to work out six days a week for two hours. Probably will get to be too much very quickly. See where you can get the extra time (yes, turn off the tube and hang up your phone), and make your goals reflect a realistic plan of attack.

7. Be kind to yourself. If you blow it one day or even have a bad week, get over it. Let's go! Don't torture yourself about something to the point that it stops you. In this regard, be nice enough to yourself to give yourself a break once in a while.

Good luck!

Fortune & Personality Traits From The Tips Of Your Fingers

It is already an accepted fact that every single person in the world has a different set of fingerprints. The Chinese have devised a way to read personality & destiny traits by studying the waves and the circles that appear at the tips of everyone's fingers – indeed so convinced are they that in the old days the fingers of prospective daughters-in-law were carefully scrutinized by prominent families to ensure they did not unwittingly welcome women who had fingers that showed alternate circles and waves on their fingers, as it was commonly believed that such women would bring trouble into the family, being particularly difficult to control and usually very aggressive.

In this issue of FSW we bring you some indications of destiny & personality traits based on the circles and waves on the five fingers of each hand. Guys should examine their left hands while women should look at their right hands.

Here are the two different patterns of circles and waves seen on every finger. To make a reading, look at your thumb print first, then your index finger, your middle finger, your ring finger and then your little finger in that order. This is the sequence that offers clues to your destiny & fortunes of your life.

For ease of reference we shall refer to circles as Os and to waves as Ws.

Fingers: OOOOO (all whorls)
Means: This person is very confident, has a strong character and a hot temper. He/she is an independent person. The luck of this person changes dramatically in life from one period to the next. The undoing of this person will be his/her hot temper so it is vital that this person must learn to be patient and calm.

Shape: WWWWW (all waves)
Means: This person is a straightforward honest person who goes with the flow. The fingers indicate someone very sensitive, who is especially suited to design and creative work. People with these fingerprint patterns tend to be shy and uncomfortable in social situations, so are not suited to work in PR, politics or any kind of work requiring them to meet people.

Shape: OWWWO
Means: If you can choose a prestigious working career, you will be very successful. However, you should avoid the tendency to get big-headed and you must never take your career for granted. You should also watch your back, as you tend to attract jealousy into your life and could get betrayed. Always look for long-term benefits.

Shape: OWWOW
Means: You will need to work harder during the early days of your career. When you reach middle and older age, you will get recognition and wealth luck. So your life gets better the older you get.

Shape: OWOWW
Means: It is vital that you resist the tendency to be narrow-minded in your attitudes and in the way you think and work. Try to be humble and learn as much as possible. This is how you will get influential help that brings you to the peak of your business and career life.

Shape: WOOOO
Means: You are a very clear-minded person. As long as you work hard, you are guaranteed to be successful. Even though you tend to be in a hurry, there will be those who help you along. You are also a person with a kind heart.


Shape: OOOOW
Means: Because you are kind and have an in-built polite attitude, you will easily get help from older persons and friends. You will enjoy great success in your working life and your only weakness is you don't trust people too easily. This can make you too conservative.

Shape: OOOWW
Means: You have a tendency to be bad tempered, and rather quick to judge. This is a shallow attitude and could easily get you onto the wrong path. If you can correct this tendency of yours, you will have great success. The potential is in you, so try to be calm in your approach.

Shape: OWWWW
Means: You have good character but can only become really successful in older age. Be prepared to have to work really hard during your younger and middle age periods, but you will become a successful person in older years.

Shape: WOWWW
Means: You are very good in the social skills. No matter what industry you are in, you like to take risk and you will always face uncertainty. Be careful as the later years of your life could bring yet more challenges. Take less risk as you get older.

Shape: WWOWW
Means: You are a person who has high vision and heavy responsibility. Be careful. Your visions could get you into serious difficulty. Better to stay more grounded, then your life will have greater success.

Shape: WWWOW
Means: You are very intelligent and will enjoy a lot of scholastic honours. You will have a smooth life and benefit from wealth luck. If you can work hard, you will become a great and successful person.

Shape: WWWWO
Means: You will inherit a business or property from your parents or from an older person. Even though you are a capable person and can be successful in your own business, your tendency towards impatience could get you into a lot of difficulty.

Shape: OOWWW
Means: You have a tendency to be proud and snobbish, although deep inside you are a kind-hearted person. Your social skills however need improving. Your relatives tend to take advantage of you.

Shape: WOWWO
Means: You are a deep thinking person. At a young age, you are already thinking of your future. You will enjoy a smooth and peaceful life; you will be very happy in your old age.

Shape: WOWOO
Means: You are a very sociable person and you enjoy the carefree kind of life going out, partying and clubbing. When you reach middle and older age, you will rely on people to support you. Be warned, if you do not prepare yourself, you might have a hard time during your older years.

Shape: WOWOW
Means: You are not an easy person to control or to convince, as you are something of a rebel. If you can stay focused on what you want from life, you will be successful. The problem is that you can be fickle and vague in what you really want from life.

Shape: WWOWO
Means: Your whole life is full of ups and downs, successes and failures. However, if you can move steadily step-by-step, you can enjoy a peaceful life as you grow into maturity.

Shape: WWWOO
Means: You are very kindhearted person and there will be good people in your life, as you will attract these kinds of people towards you. Work hard and you will easily reap your just rewards. You will definitely become successful.

Shape: OWWOO
Means: You will get recognition and become famous. Even though your life appears unstable during your earlier years of working life and you need to work hard in your thirties, when you reach maturity, your life gets better and better.

Shape: WWOOW
Means: You are a very capable person, but you tend to lack good judgement. You also tend to start something and then lose interest. Stay focused if you want to succeed.

Shape: OWOOW
Means: You are a noble person with a good character. You tend to be very helpful towards colleagues and friends so you are a popular person. Because you can think in-depth and have sensitivity towards others, you will enjoy success in the creative fields.

Shape: OWOWO
Means: You are blessed with a fast and formidable intellect. You work very quickly and with great effectiveness. However, your character is very aggressive and people tend to be intimidated by you. If you can correct this trait, you can rise to great heights.

Shape: WWOOO
Means: You are a very straightforward person. But your thinking tends to be rather naïve and shallow. Even though your suggestions are good, if you don't think through what you say, you should not be surprised if people tend to ignore your views. Your speech tends to lack power.

Shape: OOWOW
Means: You are a high-minded person, able to see and grab opportunities. You are best suited to work in the financial and investment fields. Your luck gets better as you grow older.

Shape: OOWWO
Means: You are a very honest and reputable person. You have little urge to get rich or pursue material wealth. But watch it, if you don't know how to take care of yourself, you can easily get conned and taken advantage of by people.

Shape: OOOWO
Means: Your social skills are good, so you attract guidance and help from influential people. Many people help you in your rise to prominence, and your luck turns fabulous in later years.

Shape: OOWOO
Means: You are a very brave and hardworking person. A lot of people trust you when you are young. However, unless you work at preserving your reputation, you could make enemies on your rise up and find that life becomes harder as you get older.

Shape: OWOOO
Means: You are a kindhearted character and easily get along with others. You are not good at doing business, but you are good as a teacher or even as a spiritual master. You can enjoy success in the academic world.

Shape: WOOWW
Means: You are reputable and have a peaceful character. So you are definitely someone who can become successful and recognized. However, because of your tendency towards pride, you could end up offending the wrong people.

Shape: WOOWO
Means: You are a simple but logical person. If you can focus on the fundamentals of life and adopt a step-by-step approach in your climb up the success ladder and not be too impatient, you will benefit from wealth luck and be honored by people.

Shape: WOOOW
Means: You are a straight talking person who is forthright in your approach. You are strong in character, playful but you also easily offend people. But you are also lucky because when you reach middle age, you will rise to a prominent position and your luck really changes for the better.

Listen Closely

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembersthat it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95? "

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's Friends."

Poems to Make You Laugh

Roses are red, violets are blue
Monkeys like you should be kept in the zoo.
Don't feel so angry, you will find me there too
Not in a cage but laughing at you...
_____________________________________________

Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
_____________________________________________

The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
_____________________________________________

I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
then ~ I wrote your name on my heart And.
I got a heart attack straight away.
_____________________________________________

God saw me hungry, HE created pizza.
HE saw me thirsty, HE created Pepsi
HE saw me in dark, HE created light
HE saw me without problems, HE created YOU.

Just For Laughs

Man comes home , finds his wife with his friend in bed . He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends"
****************************************
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
***********************************
Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE?? Without Information Fighting Everytime."
Wife replies," No, It means, With Idiot For Ever !!!"
**************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.
**************************************
Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.
**************************************
A women asks man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours??"
The man replies, " No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".
*************************************
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential.
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential!"

The Why's Of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart !

One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."

Man

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....
1. Men are like ... Laxatives .... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ...... Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ..... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ... Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like .... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ....... Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

What weight us down

Real Good stuff after a long time...
Let the one who loves never be unhappy for love even unreturned has its rainbow.


A kindergarten teacher has decided to let her class play a game. The teacher told each child in the class to bring along a plastic bag containing a few potatoes. Each potato will be given a name of a person that the child hates, so the number of potatoes that a child will put in his/her plastic bag will depend on the number of people he/she hates.

So when the day came, every child brought some potatoes with the name of the people he/she hated. Some had 2 potatoes; some 3 while some up to 5 potatoes.

The teacher then told the children to carry with them the potatoes in the plastic bag wherever they go for 1 week.

Days after days passed by, and the children started to complain due to the unpleasant smell let out by the rotten potatoes. Besides, those having 5 potatoes also had to carry heavier bags.

After 1 week , the children were relieved because the game had finally ended.

The teacher asked: "How did you feel while carrying the potatoes with you for 1 week?" The children let out their frustrations and started complaining of the trouble that they had to go through having to carry the heavy and smelly potatoes wherever they go.

Then the teacher told them the hidden meaning behind the game.

The teacher said: "This is exactly the situation when you carry your hatred for somebody inside your heart. The stench of hatred will contaminate your heart and you will carry it with you wherever you go. If you cannot tolerate the smell of rotten potatoes for just 1 week, can you imagine what is it like to have the stench of hatred in your heart for your lifetime???"


Moral of the story:
Throw away any hatred for anyone from your heart so that you will not carry sins for a life time. Forgiving others is the best attitude to take!

Life is to be fortified by many friendships.
To love & to be loved is the greatest happiness.

Fate determines who comes into our lives. The heart determines who stays.

The Monkey Joke

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"Now what?" asks the patron.

"Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

Height Of Miscommunication

This takes place in India ...

Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
"Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma? "
"Yes......speaking.."
AEC guy,"You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy .
"What are you saying? It's in your files.. HOW?????"
"Yes, We have a system of finding out who's overdue."
"GEEZ !!!!!!......... this is too much.........."
"Madam, I am sorry, I am following orders...I have to inform you are overdue."
"I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow. "

That night, she tells her husband the story, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. She'd have to use a candle, I guess."

Geography Of Women & Men

GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 33, a woman is like Canada, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 33 and 43, a woman is like India ; very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 43 and 50, a woman is like France, gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 51 and 59, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 60 and 65, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.

Between 66 and 70 , a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now unpatrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. A mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.


GEOGRAPHY OF MEN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like America - ruled by a dick.

Is Hell Exothermic???

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, Of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than One of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, We can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the
temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the act that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Adult Confession

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 25th reunion and have lunch together.

Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions, but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."

After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera we're going to my parent's house for two weeks."

The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a Taurus."

"Well," the third woman says, "I've got a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."

Some Chinese Names To Avoid

This is something cute to brighten up everyone's mood!

Mandarin
Paul Chan - Bankrupt
Anne Chang – Dirty
Faye Chen - Dusty
Anne Chin - Keep quiet
Henry Mah - Hate your mum
Jane Tan - Frying eggs
Nelson Tan - Bird laying eggs
Leslie Tong - Rubbish bin Hokkien
Carl Cheng - Buttock
Monica Cheng - Touching your buttocks
Lucy Leow - You are dead
Suzie Leow - Lost till death
Lim Yew Lin - Drink urine
Lim Teh Peng - Drink iced tea
Danny See - Squeeze you to death
Corrine Tai - Poor fellow
Rosie Teng - Screws and nails
Carmen Tng - Leg hair long
Pete Tsai - Nose droppings Cantonese
Connie Mah - Call your mother
Macy Koh - Never die before
Micheal Tan - Sell eggs
Micheal Loong - Sell chicken cage

They Walk Among Us!!!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old, still working fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.

. . . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

. . . . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

. . . . . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

. . . . . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car that's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

. . . . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.

. . . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

. . . . . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!

While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

. . . . . . . . Yep, They Walk Among Us. They walk among us, and reproduce too!

You're Always By My Side

A man was walking across the road when he met with an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be in a coma for 2 days.


When he opened his eyes, his wife was by his side. He told her (in tears), "When I was struggling with my studies in the University, I failed again and again. Sometimes I even have to re-take my papers. You were there by my side, encouraging me to go on trying."


She squeezed his hands as he continued, "When I went for major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there, cutting out the job ads for me to apply..."

He added, " ...then I started working in this little firm and finally got a big contract. I blew it because of a small mistake. But you are still there for me."

His wife was in tears.


The man said, "I finally got a job after being laid off for quite some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now. You are still beside me..."


His wife's tears trickled down as she listened to him, "And now I met with an accident and when I woke up, you are here with me. There's something I really like to say to you..."


She flung herself on the bed and hug her husband, sobbing with deep emotion.


Finally her husband said,.............







"I think you bring me bad luck-lah."

The Onion And The Christmas Tree

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??"

"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

Permission Slips!!!

Hope you would enjoy this ^_^

Below is the permission slips for husband / boyfriend...

Below is the permission slip for wife / girlfriend...

How Do You Sleep???

Contrary to the previous one (curling up), you are gentle, polite, sincere and loving. Well, nothing is perfect. Build up your self confidence and learn to accept mistakes or imperfection. Happiness will then come your way!  

What a liberty loving-soul! Well, this posture reveals your true identity. Comfort-lover and beauty-worshipper, you are also a real spendthrift (but luckily you earn just as much). Your other undesirable trait is that you are a bit nosy and seem to enjoy gossiping. Well, who did you mention in your tales lately?

If you sleep face down all night, you are likely to be narrow minded. You are probably self centered and always force people to comply with your own needs. You are also likely to be reckless and desultory. Time to change your sleep posture.

You feel lonely and depressed because you are obsessed with your past failures and set backs. You are hesitant and indecisive, giving others an impression that love has been missing in your life.

Selfish, jealous and vindictive are words that describe you. People around you got to be careful not to step on your toes as you are easily irritated!

You are inclined to be fussy, always whining and complaining. Nervousness is probably your second name. You tense up easily and get overly excited over small matters. Life isn't such a big deal. Learn to relax.

You may appear real macho in public, but deep down inside you are shy and weak. You tend to keep loads of secrets. If you encounter any problem, you will rather keep it to yourself and agonise over it than ask for help. No wonder you grimace in your sleep!

You're highly intelligent and enthusiastic to learn. Yet sometimes you are filled with cranky ideas which people find it hard to follow. You take good care of your family, but the problem is you hardly love anyone. A little bit choosy, huh?

Anyone who sleeps cross-legged is said to be self-obsessed and finds difficulty in accepting changes. Solitude is your priority.

Ironies Of Life

Men :
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.

Women :
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

Wisdom:
WHEN I WAS MARRIED 25 YEARS, I TOOK A LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "HONEY, 25 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLOND."

NOW WE HAVE A $2M HOME, A $245,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND 50" PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU ARE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT & FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLONDE, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

Before and After Marriage

Before the marriage:

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Yes!

She: Will you hit me?

He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom to the top !!!!

A Few Stories On Woman Car Drivers

A traffic policeman stops a woman and asks to see her driving licence. 'Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses when driving.' 'Well,' replies the woman, 'I have contacts.' 'Lady, I don't care who you know, your still going to get a ticket.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the swimming pool."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Policeman: 'When I saw you coming round that bend I thought, "Forty-five at least".'
Woman motorist: 'Well, I always look older in this hat.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A young lady was driving through a built-up area at about 70 mph when she noticed a motorcycle policeman on her tail. She increased her speed to 80 mph but the cop hung grimly on her tail. She put her foot down and pushed the car up to 90, drawing rapidly away from her pursuer. Suddenly she saw a garage up ahead and with a squeal of brakes she pulled up in the forecourt and dashed into the ladies' toilet. Five minutes later she emerged to find the motor-cycle policeman waiting for her. With a sweet smile she said, 'I bet you thought I'd never make it in time.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife had a nasty accident with the car this morning. She backed it out of the garage, completely forgetting that the night before, she had backed it in.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Magistrate: 'But if you saw the lady driving towards you, why didn't you give her half the road?'
Motorist: 'I was going to, Your Honour, as soon as I could find out which half she wanted.'

Don't Try To Save Your Boss' Life

STORY OF SINCERE SINGH

This story tell us not to be "too kind" to our bosses

Here it goes:

There's this Jaga Singh who was working for a multi-millionare as a house guard. One day, while the millionaire was driving out to catch an early morning flight to conclude a business deal, Jaga Singh ran out from the guard house and stopped the millionaire's car just right in front of the gate.

He said "Sir..Sir.. are you going to board a plane?" "Yes, why?" asked the millionaire. "You had better cancel the trip. You see, last night I dreamt about the plane going to crash."

Curious over the early morning fright that Jaga Singh had given, the multimillionaire decided to cancel his trip. "You better be damn right for this is a million dollar deal."

The following day, there were news reports that the plane which the millionaire was supposed to take had indeed crash landed. ! "Thank God I cancelled the trip,." the rich man said Realising that what Jaga Singh had said had come true, he called the Singh to see him.

When the guard was called that morning, the millionaire gave him his salary and FIRED him. WHY ?

Think first....

Use your brains

Use your brains!!!!!

Still no idea??






Come on...... it is very easy....

Still drawing a blank????

Just imagine you are the Singh and you have saved your boss's life........

OK-lah, since you do not want to "use your brains" like Jaga Singh before you talk to your boss..........

Just scroll down for the answer...






ANSWER
Jaga Singh was supposed to guard the house at night ...NOT to Sleep and Dream all night!!!!!

So, GO BACK TO WORK!! and Don't try to save your boss's life!! It's not worth!!! Always save your own ass first!!! Haha!!!

Smart Ass Answers

SMART ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on QANTAS.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the Virgin departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at Woolworths but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a packer, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid he had stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car arrives.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007

A University lecturer reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Curtain Rods

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some s soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home . . ..

. . . including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????

Quotes

You don’t need a title to be a leader
Mark Sanborn
All of you have a giant within you, an inbuilt leadership quality, which carries the power to influence many things around you. You can choose to use it, or loose it.

No dream is too big for a human mind. Dare to dream, big.
The power of limitation is limited by your very own mind.

We need men who can dream of things that never were and ask why not
George Bernard Shaw
Don’t just ask why, ask why not?And don’t just ask why not, ask why?

Life consists in what a man is thinking of all day.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
An untrained mind cannot achieve much, while a trained mind can achieve anything. The key to completing anything with success is the power of your attention. The key to reaping the joy, is from your full participation.

Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven, and all else shall be added unto you.
The Gospel according to Saint Matthew
Stop dwelling on ourselves, empty ourselves of what hides our true nature, to be a vehicle and channel to the deepest Self and do work for what is real or true/for the Lord. Going with the true nature of the flow – problems will be resolved and relationships will blossom.

The tree which moves some to tears of joy is in the eyes of others only a green thing that stands in the way.
William Blake
When we are absorbed in the pursuit of profit, we live in the narrow world of the bottom line. In that world, our neighbors are only concerned about profit. Yet all around us is a world teeming with people, animals, organisms, and elements – a deeply interconnected environment that responds to all we do.

Love what you do and do what you don’t with love or full dedication.
Every minute will pass ever so quickly. In each thought, movement, action, do it with all your heart. You will find everything you do, full of meaning with each dedication.

People say, “What is the sense of our small effort?” They cannot see that we must lay one brick at a time, take one step at a time.
Dorothy Day
Just as ice when heated, becomes water that flows. In the same way, all of that locked up energy can be released. Poco a poco, little by little., To succeed anything, we need steady effort, one step at a time.

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

1 To 10

This is hilarious...even an Englishman could not construct sentences using numeric! Exclusively only to great Malaysian and Singaporean Chinese...........

Ah Lek was asked to construct a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 10. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it in reverse. This was what he came up with... 1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rush out and wanted to 5 with me. I run so fast until I fall 6 and throw up. So I go into 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him.
Then I took a 9 and try to stab him. 10 God he run away. So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6.
He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asks me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand, I so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1 .

Confession Of A Kid

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.

Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

"Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.

Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1
Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Bobby.
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2
Dear God, This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you. Your friend Bobby. Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3
Dear God, I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday. Bobby. Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4
Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you, Bobby. Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.

Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5
DEAR GOD, I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!

Quotes Of Confidence

Just as much as we see in others we have in ourselves.
- William Hazlitt, English essayist and critic -

It's not who you are that holds you back , it's who you think you're not.
- Annoymous -

We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies.
- Roderick Thorp, Rainbow Drive -

Success comes in cans, not can'ts.
- Annoymous -

Put your future in good hands - your own.
- Annoymous -

If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price.
- Annoymous -

If isinot the mountain we conquer but ourselves.
- Edmund Hillary, mountaineer -

Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong.
- Peter T. Mcintyre -

You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them.
- Michael Jordan, American basketball player -

Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway.
- Mary Kay Ash, writer and entrepreneur -

Confidence is a habit that can be developed by acting as if you already had the confidence you desire to have.
- Brian Tracy, American personal development coach -

Where there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.
- African Proverb -

We probably wouldn't worry about what people think of us if we could know how seldom they do.
- Olin Miller, writer -

Oliver Wendell Holmes once attended a meeting in which he was the shortest man present. "Dr. Holmes," quipped a friend, "I should think you'd feel rather small among us big fellows." "I do," retorted Holmes, "I feel like a dime among a lot of pennies."
- Annoymous -

"You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who'll decide where to go."
- Dr Seuss -

Brains

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women , but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Why Lawyers Should Never Ask A Witness A Question If They Aren't Prepared For The Worst Answer

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains
to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigtoed and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."

A Physic Daughter

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers.

She ended her prayer and said, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."

Her father asked, "Why did you say good-bye to Grandpa?"

She answered solemnly, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day Grandpa died. The little girl's father thought it was an unusual coincidence, but gave it no more thought. A few months later he put his little girl to bed and listened to her prayers.

This time, she ended her prayer and said, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma."

The next day Grandma passed away. My goodness, thought the little girl's father, my kid must be in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed her father listened to her as she ended her prayers and said, "God bless
Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

Her father practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife asked, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He replied, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

His wife said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch!"

A Wife's Sacrifice

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret, after all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty.

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

God's Gift

As I was walking down life's highway many years ago I came upon a sign that read Heavens Grocery Store. When I got a little closer the doors swung open wide and when I came to myself, I was standing inside. I saw a host of angels. They were standing everywhere.

One handed me a basket and said "My child shop with care." Everything a human needed was in that grocery store and what you could not carry, you could come back for more.

First I got some Patience. Love was in that same row. Further down was Understanding, you need that everywhere you go. I got a box or two of Wisdom and Faith a bag or two. And Charity of course. I would need some of that too. I couldn't miss the Holy Ghost. It was all over the place. And then some Strength and Courage to help me run this race.

My basket was getting full but I remembered I needed Grace, and then I chose Salvation for Salvation was for free. I tried to get enough of that to do for you and me. Then I started to the counter to pay my grocery bill, for I thought I had everything to do the Masters will.

As I went up the aisle I saw Prayer and put that in, for I knew when I stepped outside I would run into sin. Peace and Joy were plentiful. The last things on the shelf, Song and Praise were hanging near so I just helped myself.

Then I said to the angel "Now how much do I owe?"

He smiled and said "Just take them everywhere you go."

Again I asked "Really now, how much do I owe?"

"My child" he said, "God paid your bill a long long time ago."

Inspiration For A Better Tomorrow

A Honest Failure
I would prefer to be a honest failure than be a corrupt success.

Before You
Before you speak, Listen.
Before you write, Think.
Before you spend, Earn.
Before you criticise, Wait.
Before you pray, Forgive.
Before you quit, Try.

I Found Everything
In the search for me, I discovered truth.
In the search for truth, I discovered love.
In the search for love, I discovered God.
And in God, I have found everything.

Just Sail
As we sail through life, don't avoid storms and rough waters.
Just let it pass.
Just sail.
Always remember, calm seas never make skillful sailors.

Life Is About Struggle
The most important thing in any game is not to win but to take part.
Similarly, the most important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle.
The essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well.

Mistakes Are Lessons
When you make a mistake, don't look back at it long.
Take the reason of the thing into your moind and then look forward.
Mistakes are lessons of wisdom.
The past cannot be changed.
The future is yet in your power.

People Never Forget
People will forget what you said.
people will forget what you did.
But people will never forget.
How you make them feel.

Treat Everyone As Special
Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight.
Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster and do it with no thought of any reward.
Your life will never be the same again.

Why Not You
Today is a new day!
Many would seize this day.
Many would live it to the fullest.
Why Not You?

The Woman

When God created woman, He was working late on the 6th day. An Angel came by and say, "Why spend so much time on that one?"

And the Lord answered, " Have you seen all the specifications I have meet to shape her? She must be washable but not made out of plastic, have more than 200 moving parts which all must be replacable and she must function on all kinds of food, she must be able to embrance several kids at the same time, give a hug that can heal anytihng from a bruised knee to a broken heart and she must do all this with only two hands."

The Angel was inpressed. "Just two hands...impossible! And this is the standard modal? Too much work for one day...Wait till tomorrow and then complete her."

"I will not," said that Lord. "I am so close to complete this creation, which will be the favourite of my heart. She cures herself when she is sick and she can work 18 hours a day."

The Angel came nearer to touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord" "She is soft," said the Lord, "But I have also made her strong . You can't imagine what she can endure and overcome."

"Can she think?" the Angel asked. The Lord answered, "Not only can she think, she can reason and negotiate."

The Angel touched the woman's cheek..."Lord, it seems this creation is leaking! You have put too many burdens on her." "She is not leaking...it's a tear," the Lord corrected the Angel. "What's it for?" asked the Angel. And the Lord said, "Tears are her way of expressing grief, her doubt, her love, her loneliness, her suffering and her pride."

This made a big impression on the Angel. "Lord you are genius. You thought of everything. The woman is indeed marvelious!"

Indeed she is! Woman has the strengths that amazes man. She can handle troubles and carry heavy burdens. She holds happiness, love and opinions. She smiles when feeling like screaming, she sings when she feels like crying, cry when she is happy and laughs when she is afraid. She fights for what she believes in. Stand up against injustice. She doesn't take "No" for an answer when she can see a better solution. She gives herself so that her family can thrive. She takes her friend to the doctor if she is afraid. Her love is unconditional.

She cries when her kids are victorious. She is happy when her friends do well. She is glad when she hears of a birth or a wedding. Her heart is broken when a next of kin or friend dies. But she finds strength to get on woth her life. She knows that a kiss and a hug can heal a broken heart.

There is only one thing wrong with her, "She forgets what she is worth..."

100 Ways To Say "I Love You"

English - I love you
Afrikaans - Ek het jou lief
Albanian - Te dua
Arabic - Ana behibak (to male)
Arabic - Ana behibek (to female)
Armenian - Yes kez sirumen
Bambara - M'bi fe
Bangla - Aamee tuma ke bhalo aashi
Belarusian - Ya tabe kahayu
Bisaya - Nahigugma ako kanimo
Bulgarian - Obicham te
Cambodian - Soro lahn nhee ah
Cantonese Chinese - Ngo oiy ney a
Catalan - T'estimo
Cheyenne - Ne mohotatse
Chichewa - Ndimakukonda
Corsican - Ti tengu caru (to male)
Creol - Mi aime jou
Croatian - Volim te
Czech - Miluji te
Danish - Jeg Elsker Dig
Dutch - Ik hou van jou
Esperanto - Mi amas vin
Estonian - Ma armastan sind
Ethiopian - Afgreki'
Faroese - Eg elski teg
Farsi - Doset daram
Filipi no - Mahal kita
Finnish - Mina rakastan sinua
French - Je t'aime, Je t'adore
Gaelic - Ta gra agam ort
Georgian - Mikvarhar
German - Ich liebe dich
Greek - S'agapo
Gujarati - Hoo thunay prem karoo choo
Hiligaynon - Palangga ko ikaw
Hawaiian - Aloha wau ia oi
Hebrew - Ani ohev otah (to female)
Hebrew - Ani ohev et otha (to male)
Hiligaynon - Guina higugma ko ikaw
Hindi - Hum Tumhe Pyar Karte hae
Hmong - Kuv hlub koj
Hopi - Nu' umi unangwa'ta
Hungarian - Szeretlek
Icelandic - Eg elska tig
Ilonggo - Palangga ko ikaw
Indonesian - Saya cinta padamu
Inuit - Negligevapse
Irish - Taim i' ngra leat
Italian - Ti amo
Japanese - Aishiteru
Kannada - Naanu ninna preetisuttene
Kapampangan - Kaluguran daka
Kiswahili - Nakupenda
Konkani - Tu magel moga cho
Korean - Sarang Heyo
Latin - Te amo
Latvian - Es tevi miilu
Lebanese - Bahibak
Lithuanian - Tave myliu
Malay - Saya cintakan mu / Aku cinta padamu
Malayalam - Njan Ninne Premikunnu
Mandarin Chinese - Wo ai ni
Marathi - Me tula prem karto
Mohawk - Kanbhik
Moroccan - Ana moajaba bik
Nahuatl - Ni mits neki
Navaho - Ayor anosh'ni
Norwegian - Jeg Elsker Deg
Pandacan - Syota na kita!!
Pangasinan - Inaru Taka
Papiamento - Mi ta stimabo
Persian - Doo-set daaram
Pig Latin - Iay ovlay ouyay
Polish - Kocham Ciebie
Portuguese - Eu te amo
Romanian - Te ubesk
Russian - Ya tebya liubliu
Scot Gaelic - Tha gra\dh agam ort
Serbian - Volim te
Setswana - Ke a go rata
Sign Language - ,\,,/ (represents position of fingers when signing'I Love You')
Sindhi - Maa tokhe pyar kendo ahyan
Sioux - Techihhila
Slovak - Lu`bim ta
Slovenian - Ljubim te
Spanish - Te quiero / Te amo
Swahili - Ninapenda wewe
Swedish - Jag alskar dig
Swiss-German - Ich lieb Di
Tagalog - Mahal kita
Taiwanese - Wa ga ei li
Tahitian - Ua Here Vau Ia Oe
Tamil - Nan unnai kathalikaraen
Telugu - Nenu ninnu premistunnanu
Thai - Chan rak khun (to male)
Thai - Phom rak khun (to female)
Turkish - Seni Seviyorum
Ukrainian - Ya tebe kahayu
Urdu - mai aap say pyaar karta hoo
Vietnamese - Anh ye^u em (to female)
Vietnamese - Em ye^u anh (to male)
Welsh - 'Rwy'n dy garu
Yiddish - Ikh hob dikh
Yoruba - Mo ni fe

Love Quotation

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. -Albert Einstein-

How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love? -Albert Einstein-

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all. -Alfred Tennyson-

The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for. -Allan K. Chalmers-

Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage. -Ambrose Bierce-

Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. -Amy Bloom-

Love is a choice you make from moment to moment. -Barbara De Angelis-

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
I Corinthians 13:4-8

All love that has not friendship for its base, Is like a mansion built upon the sand. -Ella Wheeler Wilcox-

We need not think alike to love alike. -Francis David-

Love doesn't make the world go 'round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile. -Franklin P. Jones-

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages. -Friedrich Nietzsche-

There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. -George Sand-

There is no remedy for love but to love more. -Henry David Thoreau-

Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend. -Martin Luther King, Jr.-

What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork. -Pearl Bailey-

A good marriage is one which allows for change and growth in the individuals and in the way they express their love. -Pearl S. Buck-

Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. -St. Augustine-