Just a clip that was shared by my boss ^_^
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
How To Safe A Marriage
Especially for all the golfing fans, beware...
After 30 years of marriage Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counseling.
When asked to describe her problems, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been together. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts fondled them, and kissed her passionately while her husband Mark watched with a raised eyebrow. Jacqueline flushed, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to Mark and said, now do you understand? 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?'
Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'
After 30 years of marriage Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counseling.
When asked to describe her problems, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been together. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts fondled them, and kissed her passionately while her husband Mark watched with a raised eyebrow. Jacqueline flushed, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to Mark and said, now do you understand? 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?'
Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'
Friday, August 28, 2009
Three Short Jokes!!!
(1) Chinese Adam & Eve:
If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise, because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake.
(2) Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
(3) A tap on the driver:
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something....
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window....
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
To which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse (Coffin Van) for the last 25 years."
Monday, August 24, 2009
Stud Rooster
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies: “Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner ? ”
The young rooster says: “ Beat it uncle: You are washed up and I am taking over.”
The old rooster says: “ I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.”
The young rooster laughs. “ You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.”
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch, when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says: “ Dammit......Third gay rooster I bought this month.”
Moral of this Story? .....
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS – Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!
OLD DUDES RULE !!!!!
The old rooster replies: “Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner ? ”
The young rooster says: “ Beat it uncle: You are washed up and I am taking over.”
The old rooster says: “ I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.”
The young rooster laughs. “ You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.”
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch, when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says: “ Dammit......Third gay rooster I bought this month.”
Moral of this Story? .....
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS – Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!
OLD DUDES RULE !!!!!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
How to Choose a Bride, Malaysian Style
A Mother was very concerned that her middle-aged son has not shown the slightest indication of getting married. So one day she called him over to her house.
The Son came home from work, grudgingly. Upon arriving, he found that his mother had gathered a few beautiful ladies at the house for him to choose as his future bride.
The FIRST one was a well-endowed Telephonist- cum-Receptionist . He immediately commented: 'Aiyaa...... Mother, they always say..... PLEASE HOLD ON, HOLD ON.........'
The SECOND nominee was a leggy secretary. She was also rejected. Reason being: 'Aiyaa.... Mother, this one aaa..., Secretary always fond of saying 'PLEASE SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN........ '
By this time, the mother is nearing frustration. She called a sweet but plain-looking Teacher. The Son suddenly agreed!!
The Mother was surprised and asked: 'Why this one? The earlier two were a lot better looking!'
He replied: 'Teachers aaa.... Teachers very good, very good, always say: PLEASE REPEAT, DO IT AGAIN, I want it done 10 times.... SOME MORE, SOME MORE.....!'
Her youngest son (10 years old), was listening quietly all this while at the other end of the room. Suddenly, he shouted: 'Brother.... Female mini bus Conductor much better laa.... they always say: 'NAIK CEPAT, NAIK CEPAT..... MASUK, MASUK...... MASUK LAGI, DALAM LAGI..... DALAM LAGI LAAAAH, MASUK BELAKANG.... . BELAKANG LAGI, BELAKANG BANYAK KOSONG.....'
The mother fainted....
The Son came home from work, grudgingly. Upon arriving, he found that his mother had gathered a few beautiful ladies at the house for him to choose as his future bride.
The FIRST one was a well-endowed Telephonist- cum-Receptionist . He immediately commented: 'Aiyaa...... Mother, they always say..... PLEASE HOLD ON, HOLD ON.........'
The SECOND nominee was a leggy secretary. She was also rejected. Reason being: 'Aiyaa.... Mother, this one aaa..., Secretary always fond of saying 'PLEASE SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN........ '
By this time, the mother is nearing frustration. She called a sweet but plain-looking Teacher. The Son suddenly agreed!!
The Mother was surprised and asked: 'Why this one? The earlier two were a lot better looking!'
He replied: 'Teachers aaa.... Teachers very good, very good, always say: PLEASE REPEAT, DO IT AGAIN, I want it done 10 times.... SOME MORE, SOME MORE.....!'
Her youngest son (10 years old), was listening quietly all this while at the other end of the room. Suddenly, he shouted: 'Brother.... Female mini bus Conductor much better laa.... they always say: 'NAIK CEPAT, NAIK CEPAT..... MASUK, MASUK...... MASUK LAGI, DALAM LAGI..... DALAM LAGI LAAAAH, MASUK BELAKANG.... . BELAKANG LAGI, BELAKANG BANYAK KOSONG.....'
The mother fainted....
Friday, July 10, 2009
I E-Meow You, You E-Meow Me
Dear Ah Lian,
Thanks you for your letter. Wrong time no see you. How everything? For me, I am quiet find.
You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your look? Somemore you must wear kick kok soo, hope you can wok properly.
You know, Ah Kau Kia working in a soft where company now. Last week, he take I, Muthu & few of his friend to May Nonut to eat barger. After that he take we all go to kalah ok.
Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky bright. Next week, my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years Annie wear sari. My father mother going to give a fist to all the kampong people. So you must come with your hole family.
I only hope one day we no need to write and send letter to you and to me. Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me. I will ketchup with you soon. And when you got time, please few free to call me. Goo bye.....
Worm regard,
Ah Beng
Thanks you for your letter. Wrong time no see you. How everything? For me, I am quiet find.
You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your look? Somemore you must wear kick kok soo, hope you can wok properly.
You know, Ah Kau Kia working in a soft where company now. Last week, he take I, Muthu & few of his friend to May Nonut to eat barger. After that he take we all go to kalah ok.
Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky bright. Next week, my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years Annie wear sari. My father mother going to give a fist to all the kampong people. So you must come with your hole family.
I only hope one day we no need to write and send letter to you and to me. Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me. I will ketchup with you soon. And when you got time, please few free to call me. Goo bye.....
Worm regard,
Ah Beng
Singaporean at a Nursing Home in Johor Bahru!
A Singaporean family was considering putting their grandfather in the nursing home. All the Singaporean facilities were too expensive so they had to put him in a nursing home in Johor Bahru. After a few weeks in the JB nursing facilities, they came to visit grandpa :
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a Singaporean living amongst Malaysians," said his daughter.
"Oh no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here. He's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"There is an ex-Chief Justice in here. He's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Hakim Besar'!"
"There's also a dentist here. 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth in 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"
"And me, I haven't had sex in 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Singaporean'!"
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a Singaporean living amongst Malaysians," said his daughter.
"Oh no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here. He's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"There is an ex-Chief Justice in here. He's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Hakim Besar'!"
"There's also a dentist here. 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth in 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"
"And me, I haven't had sex in 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Singaporean'!"
Saturday, May 30, 2009
The 4 Animals You Want To Be
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my mom always says"
The teacher asked "Really and what four little animals would that be?"
The little girl said. "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for it all."
The teacher fainted.
The Lawyer and The Chinese
A lawyer and an Chinese are sitting next to each other on a long flight? The lawyer is thinking that all Chinese are so dumb that he could get over on them, easy.
So the lawyer asks if the Chinese would like to play a fun game. The Chinese is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines, and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.
This catches the Chinese's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Chinese doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer?
Now, it's the Chinese's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Chinese and hands him $500. The Chinese pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Chinese up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?
The Chinese reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep?
Don't mess with us Chinese.
So the lawyer asks if the Chinese would like to play a fun game. The Chinese is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines, and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.
This catches the Chinese's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Chinese doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer?
Now, it's the Chinese's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Chinese and hands him $500. The Chinese pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Chinese up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?
The Chinese reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep?
Don't mess with us Chinese.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
How to Recruit the Right Person for the Job
Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.
If they are counting the bricks, Put them in the accounts department .
If they are recounting them, Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, Put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other, Put them in operations .
If they are sleeping, Put them in security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces, Put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle, Put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day, Put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the Window, Put them on strategic planning. And then last but not least, if they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved...
Congratulate them and put them in Top management
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Mario or Maria
Dear Luningning,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for It. These last two weeks have been hell. Mr. Lopez called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either
> you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the case is, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband,
Papi Willie
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to Toronto together this summer! Have a great life!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and gripping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was ' You look just like Michael Jackson !' but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago..
I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my SISTER had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning .... and your silk boxers were $49.99 !
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out, so when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for sixty-nine million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two first class tickets to Manila, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,
Rich , Freeeee & Available ,..... Luningning.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but MARIA , my SISTER, was born MARIO . I hope you don't have a problem with your hemorrhoids.
She's no MARIA ..... he's MARIO !
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for It. These last two weeks have been hell. Mr. Lopez called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either
> you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the case is, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband,
Papi Willie
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to Toronto together this summer! Have a great life!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and gripping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was ' You look just like Michael Jackson !' but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago..
I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my SISTER had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning .... and your silk boxers were $49.99 !
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out, so when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for sixty-nine million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two first class tickets to Manila, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,
Rich , Freeeee & Available ,..... Luningning.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but MARIA , my SISTER, was born MARIO . I hope you don't have a problem with your hemorrhoids.
She's no MARIA ..... he's MARIO !
Sunday, April 12, 2009
I Love This Doctor
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of yourcar by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather toskid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming"WOO HOO, What a Ride"
AND......
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of yourcar by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather toskid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming"WOO HOO, What a Ride"
AND......
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Job at the FBI
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Pink Curtain
A Blonde goes to Bed Bath & Beyond to buy curtains. She tells the clerk, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains. The clerk assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. She shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.'
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The clerk then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.'
'Seventeen inches?' asked the clerk. 'That sounds very small. What room are they for?'
The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room. They are for my new computer monitor.' The surprised clerk replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains!'
The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo... I've got Windoooooows.......
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Happy Pig Theory
Some interesting theories about human and pigs :
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Human = Pigs + work + enjoy
if, Human - enjoy = Pigs + work
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Human = Pigs + work + enjoy
if, Human - enjoy = Pigs + work
in other words, Human that don't know how to enjoy = pigs that work
Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Men = Pigs + earn money
therefore, Men - earn money = Pigs
Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Men = Pigs + earn money
therefore, Men - earn money = Pigs
in other words, Men that don't earn money = Pigs
Women = eat + sleep + spend
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Women = Pigs + spend
therefore, Women - spend = Pigs
In other words, Women that don't spend = Pigs
Summary:
Men earn money not to let women become pigs!
Women spend not to let men become pigs!
Men + Women = 2 Pigs
Wishing all the pigs happiness forever
Women = eat + sleep + spend
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Women = Pigs + spend
therefore, Women - spend = Pigs
In other words, Women that don't spend = Pigs
Summary:
Men earn money not to let women become pigs!
Women spend not to let men become pigs!
Men + Women = 2 Pigs
Wishing all the pigs happiness forever
Sunday, January 18, 2009
The Pastor's Ass
A little humor with good moral.
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the Race again, and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the Race again, and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is .... being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery or even shorten your life.. So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
3 Mysteries!!!
Study carefully.....the clues are so blatant you will be kicking yourself if you miss them! Don't look at the answers until you are sure you have all three right.
Mystery one
A man was found murdered Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these answers:
The wife said she was sleeping. The cook was preparing breakfast. The gardener was gathering vegetables. The maid was getting the mail. The butler was polishing shoes in the pantry.
The police instantly arrested the murderer. Who did it and how did they know?
Mystery one
A man was found murdered Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these answers:
The wife said she was sleeping. The cook was preparing breakfast. The gardener was gathering vegetables. The maid was getting the mail. The butler was polishing shoes in the pantry.
The police instantly arrested the murderer. Who did it and how did they know?
Mystery two
A man walks into his bathroom and shoots himself right between the eyes using a real gun with real bullets. He walks out alive, with no blood anywhere and no, he didn't miss. How did he do this?
Mystery three
Old Mr Teddy was found dead in his study by Mr Fiend. Mr. Fiend recounted his dismal discovery to the police: "I was walking by Mr Teddy's house when I thought I would just pop in for a visit. I noticed his study light was on and I decided to peek in from the outside to see if he was in there. There was frost on the window, so I had to wipe it away to see inside. That is when I saw his body. So I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul play. I called the police immediately afterward."
The officer immediately arrested Mr Fiend for the murder of Mr Teddy. How did he know Mr. Fiend was lying?
Try to figure these questions before looking at the answers below.
ANSWERS:
1. It was the Maid. She said she was getting the mail but there is no mail delivery on Sunday.
2. He shot his reflection in the bathroom mirror.
3. Frost forms inside of the window, not on the outside. So Mr Fiend could not have wiped it off to discover Mr Teddy's body.
Did you get them right?
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Let's Go For A Drink!
The process of functioning of a male and a female's brain when faced with the existential sentence: LET'S GO FOR A DRINK!
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Australian or Chinese Customs
Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mount Isa.
A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you."
The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you not understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs."
"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."
"Yes, they are, man at travel agent tells me" replied the Chinese man," He says to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit".
A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you."
The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you not understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs."
"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."
"Yes, they are, man at travel agent tells me" replied the Chinese man," He says to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit".
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