Curtain Rods

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some s soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home . . ..

. . . including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????

Confession Of A Kid

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.

Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

"Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.

Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1
Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Bobby.
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2
Dear God, This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you. Your friend Bobby. Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3
Dear God, I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday. Bobby. Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4
Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you, Bobby. Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.

Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5
DEAR GOD, I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!

Brains

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women , but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Why Lawyers Should Never Ask A Witness A Question If They Aren't Prepared For The Worst Answer

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains
to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigtoed and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."

A Physic Daughter

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers.

She ended her prayer and said, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."

Her father asked, "Why did you say good-bye to Grandpa?"

She answered solemnly, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day Grandpa died. The little girl's father thought it was an unusual coincidence, but gave it no more thought. A few months later he put his little girl to bed and listened to her prayers.

This time, she ended her prayer and said, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma."

The next day Grandma passed away. My goodness, thought the little girl's father, my kid must be in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed her father listened to her as she ended her prayers and said, "God bless
Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

Her father practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife asked, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He replied, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

His wife said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch!"

A Wife's Sacrifice

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret, after all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty.

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

God's Gift

As I was walking down life's highway many years ago I came upon a sign that read Heavens Grocery Store. When I got a little closer the doors swung open wide and when I came to myself, I was standing inside. I saw a host of angels. They were standing everywhere.

One handed me a basket and said "My child shop with care." Everything a human needed was in that grocery store and what you could not carry, you could come back for more.

First I got some Patience. Love was in that same row. Further down was Understanding, you need that everywhere you go. I got a box or two of Wisdom and Faith a bag or two. And Charity of course. I would need some of that too. I couldn't miss the Holy Ghost. It was all over the place. And then some Strength and Courage to help me run this race.

My basket was getting full but I remembered I needed Grace, and then I chose Salvation for Salvation was for free. I tried to get enough of that to do for you and me. Then I started to the counter to pay my grocery bill, for I thought I had everything to do the Masters will.

As I went up the aisle I saw Prayer and put that in, for I knew when I stepped outside I would run into sin. Peace and Joy were plentiful. The last things on the shelf, Song and Praise were hanging near so I just helped myself.

Then I said to the angel "Now how much do I owe?"

He smiled and said "Just take them everywhere you go."

Again I asked "Really now, how much do I owe?"

"My child" he said, "God paid your bill a long long time ago."

The Woman

When God created woman, He was working late on the 6th day. An Angel came by and say, "Why spend so much time on that one?"

And the Lord answered, " Have you seen all the specifications I have meet to shape her? She must be washable but not made out of plastic, have more than 200 moving parts which all must be replacable and she must function on all kinds of food, she must be able to embrance several kids at the same time, give a hug that can heal anytihng from a bruised knee to a broken heart and she must do all this with only two hands."

The Angel was inpressed. "Just two hands...impossible! And this is the standard modal? Too much work for one day...Wait till tomorrow and then complete her."

"I will not," said that Lord. "I am so close to complete this creation, which will be the favourite of my heart. She cures herself when she is sick and she can work 18 hours a day."

The Angel came nearer to touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord" "She is soft," said the Lord, "But I have also made her strong . You can't imagine what she can endure and overcome."

"Can she think?" the Angel asked. The Lord answered, "Not only can she think, she can reason and negotiate."

The Angel touched the woman's cheek..."Lord, it seems this creation is leaking! You have put too many burdens on her." "She is not leaking...it's a tear," the Lord corrected the Angel. "What's it for?" asked the Angel. And the Lord said, "Tears are her way of expressing grief, her doubt, her love, her loneliness, her suffering and her pride."

This made a big impression on the Angel. "Lord you are genius. You thought of everything. The woman is indeed marvelious!"

Indeed she is! Woman has the strengths that amazes man. She can handle troubles and carry heavy burdens. She holds happiness, love and opinions. She smiles when feeling like screaming, she sings when she feels like crying, cry when she is happy and laughs when she is afraid. She fights for what she believes in. Stand up against injustice. She doesn't take "No" for an answer when she can see a better solution. She gives herself so that her family can thrive. She takes her friend to the doctor if she is afraid. Her love is unconditional.

She cries when her kids are victorious. She is happy when her friends do well. She is glad when she hears of a birth or a wedding. Her heart is broken when a next of kin or friend dies. But she finds strength to get on woth her life. She knows that a kiss and a hug can heal a broken heart.

There is only one thing wrong with her, "She forgets what she is worth..."