How Men Change

The Love Word:
After 6 weeks: I looo-ve you, I love you, I love you!
After 6 months: Of course, I love you.
After 6 years: GOD, if I didn ' t love you, then why did I marry you?

Back from Work:
After 6 weeks: Honey, I ' m home!
After 6 months: I ' m BACK!!
After 6 years: Have you cooked yet?

Phone Ringing:
After 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
After 6 months: Here, it ' s for you.
After 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE DAM*T!!

Cooking:
After 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
After 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
After 6 years: DUMPLING AGAIN??

New Dress:
After 6 weeks: Wow, you look like an angel in that dress.
After 6 months: You bought a new dress again?
After 6 years: How much did THAT cost me?

TV:
After 6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
After 6 months: I like this movie.
After 6 years: I ' m going to watch PIRATES play, if you ' re not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself!

Making Love:
After 6 weeks: Baby, I want you tonight?
After 6 months: Lets make another baby, my mother just called!!!
After 6 years: Please MOVE over to your side, I ' m suffocating here!!!!

BM Teacher

Murid : Selamat pagi, cikgu.

Cikgu : (Menengking) Mengapa selamat pagi sahaja? Petang dan malam awak doakan saya tak selamat?

Murid : Selamat pagi, petang dan malam cikgu!

Cikgu : Panjang sangat! Tak pernah dibuat oleh orang! Kata selamat sejahtera! Senang dan penuh bermakna. Lagipun ucapan ini meliputi semua masa dan keadaan.

Murid : Selamat sejahtera cikgu!

Cikgu : Sama-sama, duduk! Dengar sini baik-baik. Hari ini cikgu nak uji kamu semua tentang perkataan berlawan. Bila cikgu sebutkan perkataannya, kamu semua mesti menjawab dengan cepat, lawan bagi perkataan-perkataan itu, faham?

Murid : Faham, cikgu!

Cikgu : Saya tak mahu ada apa-apa gangguan.

Murid : (senyap)

Cikgu : Pandai!

Murid : Bodoh!

Cikgu : Tinggi!

Murid : Rendah!

Cikgu : Jauh!

Murid : Dekat!

Cikgu : Keadilan!

Murid : UMNO!

Cikgu : Salah!

Murid : Betul!

Cikgu : Bodoh!

Murid : Pandai!

Cikgu : Bukan!

Murid : Ya!

Cikgu : Oh Tuhan!

Murid : Oh Hamba!

Cikgu : Dengar ini!

Murid : Dengar itu!

Cikgu : Diam!

Murid : Bising!

Cikgu : Itu bukan pertanyaan, bodoh!

Murid : Ini ialah jawapan, pandai!

Cikgu : Mati aku!

Murid : Hidup kami!

Cikgu : Rotan baru tau!

Murid : Akar lama tak tau!

Cikgu : Malas aku ajar kamu!

Murid : Rajin kami belajar cikgu!

Cikgu : Kamu gila!

Murid : Kami siuman!

Cikgu : Cukup! Cukup!

Murid : Kurang! Kurang!

Cikgu : Sudah! Sudah!

Murid : Belum! Belum!

Cikgu : Mengapa kamu semua bodoh sangat?

Murid : Sebab saya seorang pandai!

Cikgu : Oh! Melawan!

Murid : Oh! Mengalah!

Cikgu : Kurang ajar!

Murid : Cukup ajar!

Cikgu : Habis aku!

Murid : Kekal kami!

Cikgu : O.K. Pelajaran sudah habis!

Murid : K.O. Pelajaran belum bermula!

Cikgu : Sudah, bodoh!

Murid : Belum, pandai!

Cikgu : Berdiri!

Murid : Duduk!

Cikgu : Saya kata UMNO salah!

Murid : Kami dengar KeADILan betul!

Cikgu : Bangang kamu ni!

Murid : Cerdik kami tu!

Cikgu : Rosak!

Murid : Baik!

Cikgu : Kamu semua ditahan tengah hari ini!

Murid : Dilepaskan tengah malam itu!

Cikgu : (Senyap dan mengambil buku-bukunya keluar)

New Stock Market Terms

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use

Stock Market Humour

Very Timely, In This Day And Age!!!

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing,. Its called the stock market - Jay Leno

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now being called Wal Mart Street - Jay Leno

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it - Jay Leno

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar - Jay Leno

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures - Jay Leno

9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21 - Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's

Mad Maths From A 14 Years Old Kid

take study = a
take fail = b
take no = c

study = no fail; [a = cb]
no study = fail; [ca = b]

add together

study + no study = no fail + fail; [a + ca] = [cb + b]
(no + 1)study = (no + 1)fail; [c + 1]a = [c + 1]b

cancel out (no + 1) and [c + 1] of both left side
study = fail; [a = b]

9 Words Woman Use

(1) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) THANKS: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) WHATEVER: Is a women's way of saying F YOU!

(9) DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Chinese Doctor The Best...

American tourist goes on a trip to China . While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days. The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: 'I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it'. 

The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc'. The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis'. The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion'. 

The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice'. 

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: ' Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease. 

The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that!, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis.'  

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way No need to opelate!'  

'Oh, thank goodness!', the man replies. 

'Yes', says the Chinese doctor, ' 'You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself! You save money.'

Tenjewberrymuds

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia , which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service: 'Morrin. - Roon sirbees.' 

Guest: 'Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.' 

Room Service: ' Rye .. Roon sirbees .. morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen?' 

Guest: 'Uh..yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs.' 

Room Service: 'Ow July den?' 

Guest: 'What?' 

Room Service: 'Ow July den? ... pryed, boyud, poochd?' 

Guest : 'Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.' 

Room Service: 'Ow July dee baykem? Crease?' 

Guest: 'Crisp will be fine.' 

Room Service: 'Hokay. An sahn toes?' 

Guest: 'What?' 

Room Service: 'An toes. July sahn toes?' 

Guest: 'I don't think so.' 

Room Service: 'No? Judo wan sahn toes?' 

Guest: 'I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means.' 

Room Service: 'Toes! toes!....Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?' 

Guest: 'English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.' 

Room Service: 'We bodder?' 

Guest: 'No ... just put the bodder on the side.' 

Room Service: 'Wad! ?' 

Guest: 'I mean butter...just put it on the side.' 

Room Service: 'Copy?' 

Guest: 'Excuse me?' 

Room Service: 'Copy ... tea ... meel?' 

Guest: 'Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all.' 

Room Service: 'One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin w bodder on sigh and copy ..... rye?' 

Guest: 'Whatever you say.' 

Room Service: 'Tenjewberrymuds.' 

Guest : 'You're very welcome..'

Think Before You Speak

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
 
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with mens balls.'
 
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
 
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. 
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
 
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? 
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'. I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
So, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
 
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! 
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?' 
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Why We Must Know How To Speak English

One day, an David from USA arrived at KLIA. After he checked out from the customs, he felt he needed to go to the toilet, so he looked for one.

When he found the toilet, there was a lady sitting at the entrance. When he was about to enter the toilet, the lady stopped him and asked for forty cents in Cantonese ('sey kok'). The Mat Salleh wondered why in MALAYSIA they have to 'see the cock' before entering the toilet?
So he said 'no' but the lady insisted. Since he had no choice, he took out his cock and showed it to her.

The lady said 'No! No! Duit, Duit!' (money in Malay), but the David misunderstood again and thought that she said 'Do it! Do it!' So he asked, 'Now? Here?' The lady replied 'Yes, yes!' because she doesn't quite understand English.

David thought that she wanted to have sex with him, so he stripped the lady and made love to her. The lady started screaming and shouted, 'SAKIT! SAKIT!' (pain in Malay), and David thought it was 'SUCK IT! SUCK IT!'

He said 'OK! I will suck it for you' and took both breasts and suck them. The lady again screamed 'Oh, TUHAN!' (Oh, MY GOD....in Malay). David misunderstood again. 'Too HARD?
OK, sweetheart, I'll be gentler a bit,' David replied.

Suddenly, a security guard walked by, so the lady shouted for help, 'TOLONG! TOLONG, ENCIK!' David replied, 'Not too long, just 6 inches only.'

Give Me Your E-mail

A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Some Company.

The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

"You are employed."

He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start."

The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."

I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.

He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later , the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US.

He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email".

The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"

The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Some Company!"

It Takes An Indian Man To Make A Woman Feel Like A Woman

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then an Indian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with black hair and SOFT WARM BROWN eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt............. one button at a time. No one moves, He removes his shirt. ..................Muscles ripple across his chest. ....... She gasps...

He stares deeply into her eyes. She starts to feel faint. ...................

He whispers softly: "Iron this, and get me something to eat."

Customer Support

There’s always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for “Termination without Cause”.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: “Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?”
Caller: “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
Operator: “What sort of trouble??”
Caller: “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
Operator: “Went away?”
Caller: “They disappeared.”
Operator: “Hmm So what does your screen look like now?”
Caller: “Nothing.”
Operator: “Nothing??”
Caller: “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
Operator: “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??”
Caller: “How do I tell?”
Operator: “Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??”
Caller: “What’s a sea-prompt?”
Operator: “Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”
Caller: “There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
Operator: “Does your monitor have a power indicator??”
Caller: “What’s a monitor?”
Operator: “It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on??”

Caller: “I don’t know.”
Operator: “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??”

Caller: “Yes, I think so.”
Operator: “Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.
Caller: “Yes, it is.”
Operator: “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??”

Caller: “No.”
Operator: “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
Caller: “Okay, here it is.”
Operator: “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

Caller: “I can’t reach.”
Operator: “Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??”
Caller: “No.”
Operator: “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??”
Caller: “Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle - it’s because it’s dark.”
Operator: “Dark??”
Caller: “Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

Operator: “Well, turn on the office light then.”
Caller: “I can’t.”
Operator: “No? Why not??”
Caller: “Because there’s a power failure.”
Operator: “A power……… A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??”

Caller: “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
Operator: “Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you Bought it from.”

Caller: “Really? Is it that bad?”
Operator: “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
Caller: “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??”
Operator: “Tell them you’re too freaking stupid to own a computer!!!!!

Something Cool

Ah beng was walking along his work area one day and saw his friend Ah mute. Ah mute can't speak so he needs to use sign language to communicate. Ah mute signal why Ah Beng isn't at work.

Ah beng than look around and gathered some leaves under the tree and stand on them. He look at Ah Mute and pointed down at the leaves. Ah Mute is now confused..

Later Ah Sian pass by and saw Ah Beng standing on the leaves. Ah mute than signal Ah Sian on what is Ah Beng trying to say..

Ah sian than type down in his handphone and show it to Ah Mute. 'Aiyo so simple, Ah Beng Is On Leave!'

Medicare Coverage In A Nutshell

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.' 'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'This is she.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's.

Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.' 

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's.'

'That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

Beauty of Math!

Absolutely amazing! 

1 x 8 + 1 = 9 
12 x 8 + 2 = 98 
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432 
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321 

1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111 
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111 
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111 
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111 

9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888 
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888 
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888 
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888

Brilliant, isn't it? 

And look at this symmetry: 

1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121 
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321 
111111111 x 111111111=123456789 87654321 

Top 10 Reasons Why You Should Date An Engineer

10. The world does revolve around us... we choose the coordinate system. 

9. No "couple" enjoy a better "moment". 

8. We know how to handle stress and strain in a relationship. 

7. We have significant figures. 

6. We understand the motion of rigid bodies. 

5. Projectile motion: Do we need to say more? 

4. Engineers do it to specification. 

3. According to Newton, if two bodies interact, their forces are equal and opposite. 

2. We know it's not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force. 

1. WE KNOW THE RIGHT HAND RULE!

Ah Beng with the Kidnapper

Kidnapper: Hey ur son is in my hand! If u wan him back u have to gimme $10 million!
Ah beng: Har?
Kidnapper: Hey ur son is in my hand! If u wan him back u have to gimme $10 million!
Ah beng:Har? Ni Jiang xia mi?
Ah beng: nothing bye...

_________________________________________________________

Kidnapper: Hey ur son is in my hand! If u wan him back u have to gimme $10 million!
Ah beng: Hahahahahahah....(hang up)
Kidnapper:???

_________________________________________________________

Kidnapper: Hey ur son is in my hand! If u wan him back u have to gimme $10 million!
Ah beng:oh....okay
*Silence 10 minutes*
Kidnapper: hey ur son is in danger!
Ah beng: oh, okay
*Silence 30 minutes*
Kidnapper:Hey!
Ah beng: This is a voice msg system, please leave down ur msg after the beep.
Kidnapper:..........

_________________________________________________________

Kidnapper: Hey ur son is in my hand! If u wan him back u have to gimme $10 million!
Ah beng: U looking for my son, wait ar. *Ah boy, someone looking for u*
Kidnapper: Sry wrong number...

_________________________________________________________Kidnapper: Hey ur son is in my hand! If u wan him back u have to gimme $10 million!
Ah beng:ur son in my hand? u wan him bak give me $10 million ar? I okay ar but where is ur son 1st?
Kidnapper: What the....?

_________________________________________________________

Kidnapper: Hey ur son is in my hand! If u wan him back u have to gimme $10 million!
Ah beng: Oh really? Okay please take care of him, dont let him play alone outside.
Kidnapper: Har? 

_________________________________________________________

Kidnapper: Hey ur son is in my hand! If u wan him back u have to gimme $10 million!
Ah beng: Har my son come back alive liao?
Kidnapper: HAR~?

Tech Support

The letter to IT Support:

Dear IT Support ,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance particularly in the flower, gifts and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 but installed undesirable programs such as Formula One 5.0, Golf 3.0 and World Cup 2.0.

And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. 

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no available.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate Housewife

The Response from IT Support:

Dear Desperate Housewife,

First keep in mind: Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.

If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night Teh Tarik 6.1.

Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a common want program but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Slim Exercise 3.0, Tongkat Ali 6.9 and Drumstick Suck 9.0

Good Luck,
IT Support

Too Much Free Time

This is one of the cleverest emails in a while. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)! 

FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE 
When you rearrange the letters:
FLIT ON CHEERING ANGEL 

PRINCESS DIANA 
When you rearrange the letters: 
END IS A CAR SPIN 

MONICA LEWINSKY 
When you rearrange the letters: 
NICE SILKY WOMAN 

ASTRONOMER: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
MOON STARER 


DESPERATION: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
A ROPE ENDS IT 

THE EYES: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
THEY SEE 

GEORGE BUSH: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE 
When you rearrange the letters: 
HERE COME DOTS 

SLOT MACHINES: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
CASH LOST IN ME 

ELECTION RESULTS: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT 


SNOOZE ALARMS: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S 

A DECIMAL POINT: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
IM A DOT IN PLACE 

THE EARTHQUAKES: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
THAT QUEER SHAKE 


ELEVEN PLUS TWO: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
TWELVE PLUS ONE 

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: 

MOTHER-IN-LAW: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
WOMAN HITLER

Hungry Ghost Story - Malaysian Style

A man dies and goes to hell.There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, 'What do they do here?"

He was told, 'First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day.

'The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on and checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more countries... He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell... 

Then he comes to the Malaysia hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, 'What do they do here?'

He was told, 'First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Malaysian devil comes and beats you for the rest of the day.

''But that is exactly the same as all the other hells --- so why are so many people waiting to get in here?' asked the man. Because maintenance is so bad, the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed and the Malaysian devil is a former Government servant, so he comes in and signs the register and then goes to the canteen.

Culture East Vs West

Blue --> Westerner 
Red -->  Asian 

Opinion 

B: Talk to the point R: Talk around the circle, especially if different opinions

Way of Life 
B: individualism, think of himself or herself. 
R: enjoy gathering with family and friends, solving their problems, and know each other's business (keh poh). 


Punctuality 
B: on time. 
R: in time. 


Contacts 
B: Contact to related person only 
R: Contact everyone everywhere, business very successful. 


Anger 
B: Show that I am angry. 
R: I am angry, but still smiling... (beware!) 


Queue when Waiting 
B: Queuing in an orderly manner 
R: Queuing?! What's that? 


Sundays on the Road 
B: Enjoy weekend relaxing peacefully. 
R: Enjoy weekend in crowded places, like going to the mall. 



Party 
B: Only gather with their own group. 
R: All focus on the one activity that is hosted by the CEO . 


In the restaurant 
B: Talk softly and gently in the restaurant. 
R: Talk and laugh loudly like their own the restaurant . 


Travelling 
B: Love sightseeing and enjoy the scenery. 
R: Taking picture is the most important, scenery is just for the background. 


Handling of Problems 
B: Take any steps to solve the problems. 
R: Try to avoid conflicts, and if can, don't leave any trail. 


Three meals a day 
B: Good meal for once a day is sufficed. 
R: At least 3 good meals a day. 


Transportation 
B: Before drove cars, now cycling for environmental protection. 
R: Before no money and rode a bike, now got money and drive a car . 

Elderly in day to day life 

B: When old, there is snoopy for companionship. 
R: When old, guarantee will not be lonely, as long as willing to baby-sit the grandkids.

Moods and Weather 

B: The logic is, rain is pain. 
R: The more the rain, more prosperity . 


The Boss 
B: The boss is part of the team. 
R: The boss is a Fierce god. 


What's Trendy 
B: Healthy Asian cuisine 
R: Expensive Western cuisine. 


The Child 
B: The kid is going to be independent and make his/her own living.. 
R: Work, live and all for the kids, the centre of life.

Kids Are Quick!!!

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is. 
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria. 
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? 
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. ___________________________________________________________ 

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' 
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' 
TEACHER: No, that's wrong 
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. 
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? 
DONALD: H I J K L M N O. 
TEACHER: What are you talking about? 
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. 
WINNIE: Me!

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? 
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. 
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.' 
MILLIE: I is.. 
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' 
MILLIE: All right..... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' 
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

____________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? 
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. 
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher 

Ah Beng - Latest Version

Ah Beng bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said, "My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610"

************************************************************************************
Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College.
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

************************************************************************************
Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

************************************************************************************
Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

************************************************************************************
Ah Beng : People consider me as a "GOD"
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! You have come again.

************************************************************************************
Ah Beng complained to the police: "Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house."
Police: "How the thief did not take TV?"
Ah Beng : "I was watching TV news..."

************************************************************************************
Ah Beng comes back to his car and find a note saying "Parking Fine"
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole "Thanks for complement."

************************************************************************************
How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

************************************************************************************
Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other. So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

************************************************************************************
Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings.

He picks it up and says "Hello, how did you know I was here?"

************************************************************************************
Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng : If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

************************************************************************************
Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Ah Beng : The future tense is "You will go to jail."

************************************************************************************
Ah Beng told his servant: "Go and water the plants!"
Servant: "It's already raining."
Ah Beng : "So what? Take an umbrella and go."

************************************************************************************
A man asked Ah Beng why Ahmad Badawi goes walking in the Evening and not in the morning? Ah Beng replied Ahmad Badawi is PM not AM.

7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'. 

*************************************************************************************
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.' 

*************************************************************************************
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'  

*************************************************************************************
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mommy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'  

*************************************************************************************
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, She's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, She's dead.'  

*************************************************************************************
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said. 'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'  

*************************************************************************************
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

Your Cartoon Character

Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character. Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character you most resemble? A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of well known and modern cartoon characters. The information that was gathered was made into this test.

Answer all the questions (only 10) with what describes you best, add up all your Points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at the end and look for your results. Do not cheat by looking at the end before you are done.

1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)
c) Painting in the park (5 pts)
d) Rock concert (1 pt.)
e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)

2. What is your favorite type of music?
a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)
b) Alternative (1 pt.)
c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
d) Country (5 pts )
e) Pop (3 pts.)

3. What type of movies do you prefer?
a) Comedy (2 pts.)
b) Horror (1 pt.)
c) Musical (3 pts.)
d) Romance (4 pts.)
e) Documentary (5 pts.)

4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could choose one of these?
a) Waiter (4 pts.)
b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
c) Teacher (3 pts.)
d) Police (2 pts.)
e) Cashier (1 pt)

5 What do you do with your spare t ime?
a) Exercise (5 pts.)
b) Read (4 pts.)
c) Watch television (2 pts.)
d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
e) Sleep (3 pts.)

6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?
a) Yellow (1 pt.)
b) White (5 pts.)
c) Sky Blue (3 pts)
d) Dark Blue(2 pts.)
e) Red (4 pts.)

7. What do you prefer to eat?
a) Snow (3 pts.)
b) Pizza (2 pts.)
c) Sushi (1 pt.)
d) Pasta (4 pts.)
e) Salad (5 pts.)

8. What is your favorite holiday ?
a) Halloween(1 pt.)
b) Christmas (3 pts.)
c) New Year (2 pts.)
d) Valentine's Day (4 pts.)
e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.)

9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
a) Paris (4 pts.)
b) Spain (5 pts)
c) Las Vegas (1 pt)
d) Hawaii (4 pts)
e) Hollywood (3 pts)

10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?
a) Someone Smart (5 pts.)
b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)
d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)

Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for!

(10-16 points) You are Garfield :
You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how to have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit may hurt you or others.

(17-23 points) You are Snoopy:

You are fun; you are very cool and popular. You always know what's in and you're never out of style, you are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once but you always come home with the family values that you learned Being married and having children are important to you, but only after you have had your share of fun times

(24-28 points) You are Elmo:
You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to give advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and you always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to be too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in yo ur life.

(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants:
You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey, it's funny and calm for the most part Stay away from traitors and jealous people and you will be stress free.

(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown:
You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your Mom every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.

(44-50 points ) You are Dexter:
You are smart and definitely a thinker... Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong family principles. You maintain a stable routine but neve r ignore a bad situation when it comes. Try to do less over thinking every once in a while to spice things up a bit with spontaneity!

Now don't spoil it! Have some Fun!! 

Beware of Flap Phones!!!

This is the reason why you shouldn't use flap phones or let your young kids or siblings play with a flap phone -_-"

Do You Dare To Use This Toilet???

This is how the toilet looks like from the outside!!!

This is how the toilet look like from the inside!!! It's made entirely of one-way glass! No one can see you from the outside, but when you are inside it's like sitting in a clear glass box!

Do you dare to use this toilet???

25 Ways To Tell You're Grown Up