Sunday, March 13, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
The Pigs
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family Station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.
He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn"
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family Station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.
He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn"
Monday, January 24, 2011
Chinese Man Taking a Loan in New York
A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.
The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000? The Chinese replies: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely when I return.'
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
The Church Organist
This was taken from my friend.
Miss Beatrice the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness gentleness and kindness. One afternoon, the minister came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a cup of tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it; the bowl was filled with oil, and in the oil floated, of all things, a condom!!!
When she returned with the tea and scones, they began to chat - the minister tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of oil and its strange floater, but very soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?', pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, ensure it's well lubricated, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Dilbert's One-liners
1. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or in love with someone else.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
28. The road to success..... Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
28. The road to success..... Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
A Funny Story about Spicy Food
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL .
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 -- EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 -= ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 -- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
CHILI # 6 -- VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 -- SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 -- BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL .
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 -- EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 -= ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 -- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
CHILI # 6 -- VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 -- SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 -- BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Mermaid or Whale
Recently, in a large city in Australia, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"
A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.
A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.
To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.) They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia.
Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired
by almost everyone in the world.
Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life
because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex? Just look at them ... where is IT? Therefore, they don't have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?
The choice is perfectly clear to me: I want to be a whale.
P..S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.
by almost everyone in the world.
Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life
because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex? Just look at them ... where is IT? Therefore, they don't have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?
The choice is perfectly clear to me: I want to be a whale.
P..S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, ¨Good grief, look how smart I am!¨
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Funny Joke
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He called down to her " Excuse me, can you tell me where I am? I promised to meet a friend but I am late and have lost my bearings " The woman replied, " You are in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
" You must be an engineer " he called.
" I am, how did you know " she asked. " Well " answered the balloonist, " everything you told me is technially correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you have not helped me at all. If anything you have delayed me further ".
The woman responded, " You must be in management ".
" I am " he responded, " but how did you know that "? " Well ", said the woman, "
You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect the people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were before we met, but now, somehow, you have managed to make it my fault " !
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
How To Safe A Marriage
Especially for all the golfing fans, beware...
After 30 years of marriage Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counseling.
When asked to describe her problems, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been together. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts fondled them, and kissed her passionately while her husband Mark watched with a raised eyebrow. Jacqueline flushed, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to Mark and said, now do you understand? 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?'
Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'
After 30 years of marriage Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counseling.
When asked to describe her problems, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been together. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts fondled them, and kissed her passionately while her husband Mark watched with a raised eyebrow. Jacqueline flushed, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to Mark and said, now do you understand? 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?'
Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'
Friday, August 28, 2009
Three Short Jokes!!!
(1) Chinese Adam & Eve:
If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise, because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake.
(2) Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
(3) A tap on the driver:
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something....
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window....
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
To which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse (Coffin Van) for the last 25 years."
Monday, August 24, 2009
Stud Rooster
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies: “Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner ? ”
The young rooster says: “ Beat it uncle: You are washed up and I am taking over.”
The old rooster says: “ I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.”
The young rooster laughs. “ You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.”
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch, when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says: “ Dammit......Third gay rooster I bought this month.”
Moral of this Story? .....
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS – Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!
OLD DUDES RULE !!!!!
The old rooster replies: “Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner ? ”
The young rooster says: “ Beat it uncle: You are washed up and I am taking over.”
The old rooster says: “ I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.”
The young rooster laughs. “ You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.”
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch, when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says: “ Dammit......Third gay rooster I bought this month.”
Moral of this Story? .....
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS – Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!
OLD DUDES RULE !!!!!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
How to Choose a Bride, Malaysian Style
A Mother was very concerned that her middle-aged son has not shown the slightest indication of getting married. So one day she called him over to her house.
The Son came home from work, grudgingly. Upon arriving, he found that his mother had gathered a few beautiful ladies at the house for him to choose as his future bride.
The FIRST one was a well-endowed Telephonist- cum-Receptionist . He immediately commented: 'Aiyaa...... Mother, they always say..... PLEASE HOLD ON, HOLD ON.........'
The SECOND nominee was a leggy secretary. She was also rejected. Reason being: 'Aiyaa.... Mother, this one aaa..., Secretary always fond of saying 'PLEASE SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN........ '
By this time, the mother is nearing frustration. She called a sweet but plain-looking Teacher. The Son suddenly agreed!!
The Mother was surprised and asked: 'Why this one? The earlier two were a lot better looking!'
He replied: 'Teachers aaa.... Teachers very good, very good, always say: PLEASE REPEAT, DO IT AGAIN, I want it done 10 times.... SOME MORE, SOME MORE.....!'
Her youngest son (10 years old), was listening quietly all this while at the other end of the room. Suddenly, he shouted: 'Brother.... Female mini bus Conductor much better laa.... they always say: 'NAIK CEPAT, NAIK CEPAT..... MASUK, MASUK...... MASUK LAGI, DALAM LAGI..... DALAM LAGI LAAAAH, MASUK BELAKANG.... . BELAKANG LAGI, BELAKANG BANYAK KOSONG.....'
The mother fainted....
The Son came home from work, grudgingly. Upon arriving, he found that his mother had gathered a few beautiful ladies at the house for him to choose as his future bride.
The FIRST one was a well-endowed Telephonist- cum-Receptionist . He immediately commented: 'Aiyaa...... Mother, they always say..... PLEASE HOLD ON, HOLD ON.........'
The SECOND nominee was a leggy secretary. She was also rejected. Reason being: 'Aiyaa.... Mother, this one aaa..., Secretary always fond of saying 'PLEASE SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN........ '
By this time, the mother is nearing frustration. She called a sweet but plain-looking Teacher. The Son suddenly agreed!!
The Mother was surprised and asked: 'Why this one? The earlier two were a lot better looking!'
He replied: 'Teachers aaa.... Teachers very good, very good, always say: PLEASE REPEAT, DO IT AGAIN, I want it done 10 times.... SOME MORE, SOME MORE.....!'
Her youngest son (10 years old), was listening quietly all this while at the other end of the room. Suddenly, he shouted: 'Brother.... Female mini bus Conductor much better laa.... they always say: 'NAIK CEPAT, NAIK CEPAT..... MASUK, MASUK...... MASUK LAGI, DALAM LAGI..... DALAM LAGI LAAAAH, MASUK BELAKANG.... . BELAKANG LAGI, BELAKANG BANYAK KOSONG.....'
The mother fainted....
Friday, July 10, 2009
I E-Meow You, You E-Meow Me
Dear Ah Lian,
Thanks you for your letter. Wrong time no see you. How everything? For me, I am quiet find.
You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your look? Somemore you must wear kick kok soo, hope you can wok properly.
You know, Ah Kau Kia working in a soft where company now. Last week, he take I, Muthu & few of his friend to May Nonut to eat barger. After that he take we all go to kalah ok.
Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky bright. Next week, my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years Annie wear sari. My father mother going to give a fist to all the kampong people. So you must come with your hole family.
I only hope one day we no need to write and send letter to you and to me. Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me. I will ketchup with you soon. And when you got time, please few free to call me. Goo bye.....
Worm regard,
Ah Beng
Thanks you for your letter. Wrong time no see you. How everything? For me, I am quiet find.
You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your look? Somemore you must wear kick kok soo, hope you can wok properly.
You know, Ah Kau Kia working in a soft where company now. Last week, he take I, Muthu & few of his friend to May Nonut to eat barger. After that he take we all go to kalah ok.
Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky bright. Next week, my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years Annie wear sari. My father mother going to give a fist to all the kampong people. So you must come with your hole family.
I only hope one day we no need to write and send letter to you and to me. Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me. I will ketchup with you soon. And when you got time, please few free to call me. Goo bye.....
Worm regard,
Ah Beng
Singaporean at a Nursing Home in Johor Bahru!
A Singaporean family was considering putting their grandfather in the nursing home. All the Singaporean facilities were too expensive so they had to put him in a nursing home in Johor Bahru. After a few weeks in the JB nursing facilities, they came to visit grandpa :
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a Singaporean living amongst Malaysians," said his daughter.
"Oh no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here. He's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"There is an ex-Chief Justice in here. He's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Hakim Besar'!"
"There's also a dentist here. 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth in 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"
"And me, I haven't had sex in 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Singaporean'!"
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a Singaporean living amongst Malaysians," said his daughter.
"Oh no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here. He's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"There is an ex-Chief Justice in here. He's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Hakim Besar'!"
"There's also a dentist here. 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth in 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"
"And me, I haven't had sex in 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Singaporean'!"
Saturday, May 30, 2009
The 4 Animals You Want To Be
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my mom always says"
The teacher asked "Really and what four little animals would that be?"
The little girl said. "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for it all."
The teacher fainted.
The Lawyer and The Chinese
A lawyer and an Chinese are sitting next to each other on a long flight? The lawyer is thinking that all Chinese are so dumb that he could get over on them, easy.
So the lawyer asks if the Chinese would like to play a fun game. The Chinese is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines, and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.
This catches the Chinese's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Chinese doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer?
Now, it's the Chinese's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Chinese and hands him $500. The Chinese pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Chinese up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?
The Chinese reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep?
Don't mess with us Chinese.
So the lawyer asks if the Chinese would like to play a fun game. The Chinese is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines, and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.
This catches the Chinese's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Chinese doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer?
Now, it's the Chinese's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Chinese and hands him $500. The Chinese pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Chinese up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?
The Chinese reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep?
Don't mess with us Chinese.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
How to Recruit the Right Person for the Job
Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.
If they are counting the bricks, Put them in the accounts department .
If they are recounting them, Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, Put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other, Put them in operations .
If they are sleeping, Put them in security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces, Put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle, Put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day, Put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the Window, Put them on strategic planning. And then last but not least, if they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved...
Congratulate them and put them in Top management
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Mario or Maria
Dear Luningning,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for It. These last two weeks have been hell. Mr. Lopez called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either
> you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the case is, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband,
Papi Willie
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to Toronto together this summer! Have a great life!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and gripping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was ' You look just like Michael Jackson !' but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago..
I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my SISTER had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning .... and your silk boxers were $49.99 !
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out, so when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for sixty-nine million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two first class tickets to Manila, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,
Rich , Freeeee & Available ,..... Luningning.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but MARIA , my SISTER, was born MARIO . I hope you don't have a problem with your hemorrhoids.
She's no MARIA ..... he's MARIO !
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for It. These last two weeks have been hell. Mr. Lopez called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either
> you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the case is, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband,
Papi Willie
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to Toronto together this summer! Have a great life!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and gripping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was ' You look just like Michael Jackson !' but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago..
I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my SISTER had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning .... and your silk boxers were $49.99 !
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out, so when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for sixty-nine million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two first class tickets to Manila, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,
Rich , Freeeee & Available ,..... Luningning.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but MARIA , my SISTER, was born MARIO . I hope you don't have a problem with your hemorrhoids.
She's no MARIA ..... he's MARIO !
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