Mad Maths From A 14 Years Old Kid

take study = a
take fail = b
take no = c

study = no fail; [a = cb]
no study = fail; [ca = b]

add together

study + no study = no fail + fail; [a + ca] = [cb + b]
(no + 1)study = (no + 1)fail; [c + 1]a = [c + 1]b

cancel out (no + 1) and [c + 1] of both left side
study = fail; [a = b]

9 Words Woman Use

(1) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) THANKS: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) WHATEVER: Is a women's way of saying F YOU!

(9) DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Chinese Doctor The Best...

American tourist goes on a trip to China . While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days. The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: 'I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it'. 

The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc'. The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis'. The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion'. 

The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice'. 

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: ' Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease. 

The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that!, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis.'  

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way No need to opelate!'  

'Oh, thank goodness!', the man replies. 

'Yes', says the Chinese doctor, ' 'You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself! You save money.'

Tenjewberrymuds

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia , which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service: 'Morrin. - Roon sirbees.' 

Guest: 'Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.' 

Room Service: ' Rye .. Roon sirbees .. morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen?' 

Guest: 'Uh..yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs.' 

Room Service: 'Ow July den?' 

Guest: 'What?' 

Room Service: 'Ow July den? ... pryed, boyud, poochd?' 

Guest : 'Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.' 

Room Service: 'Ow July dee baykem? Crease?' 

Guest: 'Crisp will be fine.' 

Room Service: 'Hokay. An sahn toes?' 

Guest: 'What?' 

Room Service: 'An toes. July sahn toes?' 

Guest: 'I don't think so.' 

Room Service: 'No? Judo wan sahn toes?' 

Guest: 'I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means.' 

Room Service: 'Toes! toes!....Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?' 

Guest: 'English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.' 

Room Service: 'We bodder?' 

Guest: 'No ... just put the bodder on the side.' 

Room Service: 'Wad! ?' 

Guest: 'I mean butter...just put it on the side.' 

Room Service: 'Copy?' 

Guest: 'Excuse me?' 

Room Service: 'Copy ... tea ... meel?' 

Guest: 'Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all.' 

Room Service: 'One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin w bodder on sigh and copy ..... rye?' 

Guest: 'Whatever you say.' 

Room Service: 'Tenjewberrymuds.' 

Guest : 'You're very welcome..'

Think Before You Speak

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
 
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with mens balls.'
 
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
 
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. 
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
 
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? 
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'. I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
So, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
 
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! 
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?' 
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Why We Must Know How To Speak English

One day, an David from USA arrived at KLIA. After he checked out from the customs, he felt he needed to go to the toilet, so he looked for one.

When he found the toilet, there was a lady sitting at the entrance. When he was about to enter the toilet, the lady stopped him and asked for forty cents in Cantonese ('sey kok'). The Mat Salleh wondered why in MALAYSIA they have to 'see the cock' before entering the toilet?
So he said 'no' but the lady insisted. Since he had no choice, he took out his cock and showed it to her.

The lady said 'No! No! Duit, Duit!' (money in Malay), but the David misunderstood again and thought that she said 'Do it! Do it!' So he asked, 'Now? Here?' The lady replied 'Yes, yes!' because she doesn't quite understand English.

David thought that she wanted to have sex with him, so he stripped the lady and made love to her. The lady started screaming and shouted, 'SAKIT! SAKIT!' (pain in Malay), and David thought it was 'SUCK IT! SUCK IT!'

He said 'OK! I will suck it for you' and took both breasts and suck them. The lady again screamed 'Oh, TUHAN!' (Oh, MY GOD....in Malay). David misunderstood again. 'Too HARD?
OK, sweetheart, I'll be gentler a bit,' David replied.

Suddenly, a security guard walked by, so the lady shouted for help, 'TOLONG! TOLONG, ENCIK!' David replied, 'Not too long, just 6 inches only.'

Give Me Your E-mail

A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Some Company.

The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

"You are employed."

He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start."

The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."

I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.

He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later , the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US.

He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email".

The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"

The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Some Company!"

It Takes An Indian Man To Make A Woman Feel Like A Woman

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then an Indian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with black hair and SOFT WARM BROWN eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt............. one button at a time. No one moves, He removes his shirt. ..................Muscles ripple across his chest. ....... She gasps...

He stares deeply into her eyes. She starts to feel faint. ...................

He whispers softly: "Iron this, and get me something to eat."

Customer Support

There’s always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for “Termination without Cause”.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: “Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?”
Caller: “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
Operator: “What sort of trouble??”
Caller: “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
Operator: “Went away?”
Caller: “They disappeared.”
Operator: “Hmm So what does your screen look like now?”
Caller: “Nothing.”
Operator: “Nothing??”
Caller: “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
Operator: “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??”
Caller: “How do I tell?”
Operator: “Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??”
Caller: “What’s a sea-prompt?”
Operator: “Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”
Caller: “There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
Operator: “Does your monitor have a power indicator??”
Caller: “What’s a monitor?”
Operator: “It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on??”

Caller: “I don’t know.”
Operator: “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??”

Caller: “Yes, I think so.”
Operator: “Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.
Caller: “Yes, it is.”
Operator: “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??”

Caller: “No.”
Operator: “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
Caller: “Okay, here it is.”
Operator: “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

Caller: “I can’t reach.”
Operator: “Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??”
Caller: “No.”
Operator: “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??”
Caller: “Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle - it’s because it’s dark.”
Operator: “Dark??”
Caller: “Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

Operator: “Well, turn on the office light then.”
Caller: “I can’t.”
Operator: “No? Why not??”
Caller: “Because there’s a power failure.”
Operator: “A power……… A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??”

Caller: “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
Operator: “Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you Bought it from.”

Caller: “Really? Is it that bad?”
Operator: “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
Caller: “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??”
Operator: “Tell them you’re too freaking stupid to own a computer!!!!!