Wacky Definitions!!!

These are classics!!!!
 
Father: A banker provided by nature.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich..

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine water-power.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise after death


"Dishonesty is a Modern-Aged Man's Integrity. The Truth will always Hurt".

Actual Letters

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK. (I got it in my email)

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker, as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
3. Their 18 year old son is repeatedly banging his balls against my fence.
4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
6. Will you please send someone round to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday, and now she is pregnant.
7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and the rest are plain filthy.
8. The toilet is blocked, and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
9. Will you please send someone round to look at my water? It is a funny colour and isn't fit to drink.
10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is in three pieces.
11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6:00 am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
12. The man next door has a large erection in his garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat, and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times, but I have still had no satisfaction.
17. My bush is really overgrown round the front, and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house, and I just can't take it anymore.