Words Of Wisdom

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Quotable Quotes from Reader's Digest March 2006

"There are a lot of things happening that show us that this, right now, is a time to love." Stevie Wonder

"You know what they say that we only use 10 percent of our brains? I think we only use 10 percent of our hearts." Owen Wilson

"It's useless to hold a person to anything he says when he's in love, drunk or running for office." Shirley Maclaine

"One of the few articles of clothing that a man won't try to remove from a woman is an apron." Marilyn Vos Savant

"Sometimes when almost everything is wrong, one thing is so right you would do it all again." Alice Randall

"There's no one way to dance. And that's kind of my philosophy about everything." Ellen Degeneres

"I know love at first sight can work. It happened to my parents." George Clooney

"If the marriage needs help, the answer almost always is have more fun. Drop your list of grievances and go ride a roller coaster." Garrison Keoillor

50 Funniest One-Liners from Reader's Digest

Cupid's Arrow
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen

Cupid's Arrow Sharpened
"When I eventually met Mr Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always." Rita Rudner
"Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice." Bill Cosby
"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest." Roseanne Barr
"I always wanted to be the last guy on earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me." Ronnie Shakes
"A man in love is incomplete until he hsa married. Then he's finished." Zsa Zsa Gabor

Financial Genius
"A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it." Bob Hope
"Money won't buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy." Spike Milligan

Unfathomable
"Imagine if there were no hypothetical situations." John Mendoza
"I don't consider myself bald. I'm simply taller than my hair." Tom Sharp
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy and that tallest guy in the National Basketball Association is Chinese." Chris Rock

Odds-On-Favourites
"This is a strange country to live in. When it comes to electing a president, we get two choices. But when we have to select a Miss America, we get 50." Jay Leno
"I figure you have the same choice of winning the lottery whether you play or not." Fran Lebowitz

It's a Zoo
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." Groucho Marx
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." Jeff Valdez
"Time's fun when you're having flies." Kermit The Frog
"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." Lily Tomlin
"Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend." Zenna Schaffer

Deadly Serious
"It's not that I'mafraid to die; I just don't want to be there when it happens." Woody Allen

Miss Manners
"If you haven't got anything good to say about anyone, come and sit by me." Alice Roosevelt Longworth
"The first thing I do in the morning is brush teeth and sharpen my tongue." Dorothy Parker

Speed Traps
"Have you noticed that anyone travel driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?" George Carlin
"Instant gratification takes too long." Carrie Fisher
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?" Robin Williams

Health Nuts
"I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." Henny Youngman
"You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish." Jerry Seinfeld
"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?" Phyllis Diller

Women on the Edge
"I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them." Bette Midler
"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted." Mae West
"Deeper down, I'm pretty superficial." Ava Gardner
"I've been on a calender, but I've never been on time." Marilyn Monroe

Men on the Edge
"I just recently had my Visa card stolen. Now it's everywhere I want to be." Scott Wood
"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin." H.L.Mencken
"I drink to make other people interesting." George Jean Nathan

A Comedy Heirs
"When you're eight years old, nothing is your business." Lenny Bruce
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." Dick Cavett
"When I was born, I was surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half." Gracie Allen
"Never lend your car to anyone whom you've given birth." Erma Bombeck

Fashion Plates
"Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery." Rita Rudner
"If God meant us to be naked, He would have made our skin fit better." Maureen Murphy

Keeping Score
"If a woman has to choose between catching baseball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on the base." Dave Barry
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass." Martin Mull
"Football combines the two worst features of American life; violence and committee meetings." George Will
"I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out." Rodney Dangerfield

Wisdumb
"We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true." Robert Wilensky
"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it." Sam Levenson


Highly Questionable
"If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?" Vince Lombardi
"What's another word for thesaurus?" Steven Wright
"If convenience stores are open 365 days a year, 24 hours a day and 7 days a week, why do the doors have locks on them?" Gallagher

In Sum...
"I really didn't say everything I said." Yogi Berra