Stress Free Getaway

Chinese Man and the Titanic

2011-03-13T21:29:00.000-07:00

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour, get outta here."

The Pigs

2011-03-01T23:07:00.000-08:00

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family Station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.

He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn"

Chinese Man Taking a Loan in New York

2011-01-24T18:18:00.000-08:00

A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.

The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000? The Chinese replies: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely when I return.'

The Church Organist

2010-10-13T22:48:00.000-07:00

This was taken from my friend.

Miss Beatrice the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness gentleness and kindness. One afternoon, the minister came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a cup of tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it; the bowl was filled with oil, and in the oil floated, of all things, a condom!!!

When she returned with the tea and scones, they began to chat - the minister tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of oil and its strange floater, but very soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?', pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, ensure it's well lubricated, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'

Dilbert's One-liners

2010-09-19T02:57:00.000-07:00

1. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or in love with someone else.

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

5. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.

7. Born free, taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.

21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

25. Someday is not a day of the week

26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.

28. The road to success..... Is always under construction.

29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

A Funny Story about Spicy Food

2010-09-19T02:42:00.000-07:00

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL .

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 -- EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 -= ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 -- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

CHILI # 6 -- VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 -- SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.

**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 -- BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.

Mermaid or Whale

2010-09-08T00:41:00.000-07:00

Recently, in a large city in Australia, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern,

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.) They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia.

Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired
by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life
because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex? Just look at them ... where is IT? Therefore, they don't have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me: I want to be a whale.

P..S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.

With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, ¨Good grief, look how smart I am!¨

Woman's Cool Equation

2010-09-07T23:43:00.000-07:00

I stumble upon this and I find it cool even I am a woman XD

Funny Joke

2010-09-07T00:40:00.000-07:00

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He called down to her " Excuse me, can you tell me where I am? I promised to meet a friend but I am late and have lost my bearings " The woman replied, " You are in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

" You must be an engineer " he called.

" I am, how did you know " she asked. " Well " answered the balloonist, " everything you told me is technially correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you have not helped me at all. If anything you have delayed me further ".

The woman responded, " You must be in management ".

" I am " he responded, " but how did you know that "? " Well ", said the woman, "

You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect the people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were before we met, but now, somehow, you have managed to make it my fault " !

The Knack

2009-12-19T19:13:00.000-08:00

Just a clip that was shared by my boss ^_^

How To Safe A Marriage

2009-10-21T02:19:00.000-07:00

Especially for all the golfing fans, beware...

After 30 years of marriage Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counseling.

When asked to describe her problems, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been together. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts fondled them, and kissed her passionately while her husband Mark watched with a raised eyebrow. Jacqueline flushed, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to Mark and said, now do you understand? 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?'

Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'

Three Short Jokes!!!

2009-08-28T18:45:00.000-07:00

(1) Chinese Adam & Eve:

If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise, because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake.

(2) Three Feelings:

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and

Panic is when both are pregnant.

(3) A tap on the driver:
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something....

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window....

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

To which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse (Coffin Van) for the last 25 years."

Stud Rooster

2009-08-24T02:30:00.000-07:00

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.'

The old rooster replies: “Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner ? ”

The young rooster says: “ Beat it uncle: You are washed up and I am taking over.”

The old rooster says: “ I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.”

The young rooster laughs. “ You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.”

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch, when he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says: “ Dammit......Third gay rooster I bought this month.”

Moral of this Story? .....

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS – Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!

OLD DUDES RULE !!!!!

How to Choose a Bride, Malaysian Style

2009-08-04T04:41:00.001-07:00

A Mother was very concerned that her middle-aged son has not shown the slightest indication of getting married. So one day she called him over to her house.

The Son came home from work, grudgingly. Upon arriving, he found that his mother had gathered a few beautiful ladies at the house for him to choose as his future bride.

The FIRST one was a well-endowed Telephonist- cum-Receptionist . He immediately commented: 'Aiyaa...... Mother, they always say..... PLEASE HOLD ON, HOLD ON.........'

The SECOND nominee was a leggy secretary. She was also rejected. Reason being: 'Aiyaa.... Mother, this one aaa..., Secretary always fond of saying 'PLEASE SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN........ '

By this time, the mother is nearing frustration. She called a sweet but plain-looking Teacher. The Son suddenly agreed!!

The Mother was surprised and asked: 'Why this one? The earlier two were a lot better looking!'

He replied: 'Teachers aaa.... Teachers very good, very good, always say: PLEASE REPEAT, DO IT AGAIN, I want it done 10 times.... SOME MORE, SOME MORE.....!'

Her youngest son (10 years old), was listening quietly all this while at the other end of the room. Suddenly, he shouted: 'Brother.... Female mini bus Conductor much better laa.... they always say: 'NAIK CEPAT, NAIK CEPAT..... MASUK, MASUK...... MASUK LAGI, DALAM LAGI..... DALAM LAGI LAAAAH, MASUK BELAKANG.... . BELAKANG LAGI, BELAKANG BANYAK KOSONG.....'

The mother fainted....

I E-Meow You, You E-Meow Me

2009-07-10T19:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Ah Lian,

Thanks you for your letter. Wrong time no see you. How everything? For me, I am quiet find.

You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your look? Somemore you must wear kick kok soo, hope you can wok properly.

You know, Ah Kau Kia working in a soft where company now. Last week, he take I, Muthu & few of his friend to May Nonut to eat barger. After that he take we all go to kalah ok.

Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky bright. Next week, my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years Annie wear sari. My father mother going to give a fist to all the kampong people. So you must come with your hole family.

I only hope one day we no need to write and send letter to you and to me. Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me. I will ketchup with you soon. And when you got time, please few free to call me. Goo bye.....

Worm regard,
Ah Beng

Singaporean at a Nursing Home in Johor Bahru!

2009-07-10T19:19:00.000-07:00

A Singaporean family was considering putting their grandfather in the nursing home. All the Singaporean facilities were too expensive so they had to put him in a nursing home in Johor Bahru. After a few weeks in the JB nursing facilities, they came to visit grandpa :

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a Singaporean living amongst Malaysians," said his daughter.

"Oh no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here. He's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

"There is an ex-Chief Justice in here. He's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Hakim Besar'!"

"There's also a dentist here. 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth in 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"

"And me, I haven't had sex in 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Singaporean'!"

The 4 Animals You Want To Be

2009-05-30T20:16:00.000-07:00

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my mom always says"

The teacher asked "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

The little girl said. "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for it all."

The teacher fainted.

The Lawyer and The Chinese

2009-05-30T20:11:00.000-07:00

A lawyer and an Chinese are sitting next to each other on a long flight? The lawyer is thinking that all Chinese are so dumb that he could get over on them, easy.

So the lawyer asks if the Chinese would like to play a fun game. The Chinese is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines, and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the Chinese's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Chinese doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer?

Now, it's the Chinese's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Chinese and hands him $500. The Chinese pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Chinese up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?

The Chinese reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep?

Don't mess with us Chinese.

How to Recruit the Right Person for the Job

2009-05-24T09:28:00.000-07:00

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks, Put them in the accounts department .

If they are recounting them, Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other, Put them in operations .

If they are sleeping, Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces, Put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle, Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day, Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the Window, Put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least, if they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved...

Congratulate them and put them in Top management

Mario or Maria

2009-05-19T09:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Luningning,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for It. These last two weeks have been hell. Mr. Lopez called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.

You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either
> you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband,
Papi Willie

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to Toronto together this summer! Have a great life!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and gripping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was ' You look just like Michael Jackson !' but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago..

I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my SISTER had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning .... and your silk boxers were $49.99 !

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out, so when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for sixty-nine million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two first class tickets to Manila, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Rich , Freeeee & Available ,..... Luningning.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but MARIA , my SISTER, was born MARIO . I hope you don't have a problem with your hemorrhoids.

She's no MARIA ..... he's MARIO !

I Love This Doctor

2009-04-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of yourcar by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather toskid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming"WOO HOO, What a Ride"

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Job at the FBI

2009-03-29T10:12:00.000-07:00

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

Pink Curtain

2009-02-05T00:48:00.000-08:00

A Blonde goes to Bed Bath & Beyond to buy curtains. She tells the clerk, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains. The clerk assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. She shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.'

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The clerk then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.'

'Seventeen inches?' asked the clerk. 'That sounds very small. What room are they for?'

The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room. They are for my new computer monitor.' The surprised clerk replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains!'

The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo... I've got Windoooooows.......

Happy Pig Theory

2009-01-29T08:39:00.000-08:00

Some interesting theories about human and pigs :

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Human = Pigs + work + enjoy
if, Human - enjoy = Pigs + work

in other words, Human that don't know how to enjoy = pigs that work

Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Men = Pigs + earn money
therefore, Men - earn money = Pigs

in other words, Men that don't earn money = Pigs

Women = eat + sleep + spend
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Women = Pigs + spend
therefore, Women - spend = Pigs
In other words, Women that don't spend = Pigs

Summary:
Men earn money not to let women become pigs!
Women spend not to let men become pigs!

Men + Women = 2 Pigs
Wishing all the pigs happiness forever

The Pastor's Ass

2009-01-18T03:37:00.000-08:00

A little humor with good moral.

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the Race again, and it won again. The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is .... being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery or even shorten your life.. So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Touch My Body Video

2009-01-18T03:18:00.000-08:00

Check out this video. It would make you laugh non-stop ^_^

3 Mysteries!!!

2009-01-13T06:35:00.000-08:00

Study carefully.....the clues are so blatant you will be kicking yourself if you miss them! Don't look at the answers until you are sure you have all three right.

Mystery one
A man was found murdered Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these answers:
The wife said she was sleeping. The cook was preparing breakfast. The gardener was gathering vegetables. The maid was getting the mail. The butler was polishing shoes in the pantry.
The police instantly arrested the murderer. Who did it and how did they know?

Mystery two
A man walks into his bathroom and shoots himself right between the eyes using a real gun with real bullets. He walks out alive, with no blood anywhere and no, he didn't miss. How did he do this?

Mystery three
Old Mr Teddy was found dead in his study by Mr Fiend. Mr. Fiend recounted his dismal discovery to the police: "I was walking by Mr Teddy's house when I thought I would just pop in for a visit. I noticed his study light was on and I decided to peek in from the outside to see if he was in there. There was frost on the window, so I had to wipe it away to see inside. That is when I saw his body. So I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul play. I called the police immediately afterward."
The officer immediately arrested Mr Fiend for the murder of Mr Teddy. How did he know Mr. Fiend was lying?

Try to figure these questions before looking at the answers below.
















ANSWERS:
1. It was the Maid. She said she was getting the mail but there is no mail delivery on Sunday.
2. He shot his reflection in the bathroom mirror.
3. Frost forms inside of the window, not on the outside. So Mr Fiend could not have wiped it off to discover Mr Teddy's body.

Did you get them right?

Let's Go For A Drink!

2009-01-10T18:14:00.001-08:00

The process of functioning of a male and a female's brain when faced with the existential sentence: LET'S GO FOR A DRINK!

Australian or Chinese Customs

2009-01-04T05:34:00.000-08:00

Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mount Isa.

A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you not understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs."

"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."

"Yes, they are, man at travel agent tells me" replied the Chinese man," He says to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit".

How Men Change

2008-12-22T14:41:00.000-08:00

The Love Word:
After 6 weeks: I looo-ve you, I love you, I love you!
After 6 months: Of course, I love you.
After 6 years: GOD, if I didn ' t love you, then why did I marry you?

Back from Work:
After 6 weeks: Honey, I ' m home!
After 6 months: I ' m BACK!!
After 6 years: Have you cooked yet?

Phone Ringing:
After 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
After 6 months: Here, it ' s for you.
After 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE DAM*T!!

Cooking:
After 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
After 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
After 6 years: DUMPLING AGAIN??

New Dress:
After 6 weeks: Wow, you look like an angel in that dress.
After 6 months: You bought a new dress again?
After 6 years: How much did THAT cost me?

TV:
After 6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
After 6 months: I like this movie.
After 6 years: I ' m going to watch PIRATES play, if you ' re not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself!

Making Love:
After 6 weeks: Baby, I want you tonight?
After 6 months: Lets make another baby, my mother just called!!!
After 6 years: Please MOVE over to your side, I ' m suffocating here!!!!

BM Teacher

2008-12-22T14:37:00.000-08:00

Murid : Selamat pagi, cikgu.

Cikgu : (Menengking) Mengapa selamat pagi sahaja? Petang dan malam awak doakan saya tak selamat?

Murid : Selamat pagi, petang dan malam cikgu!

Cikgu : Panjang sangat! Tak pernah dibuat oleh orang! Kata selamat sejahtera! Senang dan penuh bermakna. Lagipun ucapan ini meliputi semua masa dan keadaan.

Murid : Selamat sejahtera cikgu!

Cikgu : Sama-sama, duduk! Dengar sini baik-baik. Hari ini cikgu nak uji kamu semua tentang perkataan berlawan. Bila cikgu sebutkan perkataannya, kamu semua mesti menjawab dengan cepat, lawan bagi perkataan-perkataan itu, faham?

Murid : Faham, cikgu!

Cikgu : Saya tak mahu ada apa-apa gangguan.

Murid : (senyap)

Cikgu : Pandai!

Murid : Bodoh!

Cikgu : Tinggi!

Murid : Rendah!

Cikgu : Jauh!

Murid : Dekat!

Cikgu : Keadilan!

Murid : UMNO!

Cikgu : Salah!

Murid : Betul!

Cikgu : Bodoh!

Murid : Pandai!

Cikgu : Bukan!

Murid : Ya!

Cikgu : Oh Tuhan!

Murid : Oh Hamba!

Cikgu : Dengar ini!

Murid : Dengar itu!

Cikgu : Diam!

Murid : Bising!

Cikgu : Itu bukan pertanyaan, bodoh!

Murid : Ini ialah jawapan, pandai!

Cikgu : Mati aku!

Murid : Hidup kami!

Cikgu : Rotan baru tau!

Murid : Akar lama tak tau!

Cikgu : Malas aku ajar kamu!

Murid : Rajin kami belajar cikgu!

Cikgu : Kamu gila!

Murid : Kami siuman!

Cikgu : Cukup! Cukup!

Murid : Kurang! Kurang!

Cikgu : Sudah! Sudah!

Murid : Belum! Belum!

Cikgu : Mengapa kamu semua bodoh sangat?

Murid : Sebab saya seorang pandai!

Cikgu : Oh! Melawan!

Murid : Oh! Mengalah!

Cikgu : Kurang ajar!

Murid : Cukup ajar!

Cikgu : Habis aku!

Murid : Kekal kami!

Cikgu : O.K. Pelajaran sudah habis!

Murid : K.O. Pelajaran belum bermula!

Cikgu : Sudah, bodoh!

Murid : Belum, pandai!

Cikgu : Berdiri!

Murid : Duduk!

Cikgu : Saya kata UMNO salah!

Murid : Kami dengar KeADILan betul!

Cikgu : Bangang kamu ni!

Murid : Cerdik kami tu!

Cikgu : Rosak!

Murid : Baik!

Cikgu : Kamu semua ditahan tengah hari ini!

Murid : Dilepaskan tengah malam itu!

Cikgu : (Senyap dan mengambil buku-bukunya keluar)

New Stock Market Terms

2008-12-22T14:26:00.000-08:00

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use

Stock Market Humour

2008-12-22T14:23:00.000-08:00

Very Timely, In This Day And Age!!!

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing,. Its called the stock market - Jay Leno

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now being called Wal Mart Street - Jay Leno

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it - Jay Leno

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar - Jay Leno

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures - Jay Leno

9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21 - Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's

Mad Maths From A 14 Years Old Kid

2008-10-29T21:30:00.000-07:00

take study = a
take fail = b
take no = c

study = no fail; [a = cb]
no study = fail; [ca = b]

add together

study + no study = no fail + fail; [a + ca] = [cb + b]
(no + 1)study = (no + 1)fail; [c + 1]a = [c + 1]b

cancel out (no + 1) and [c + 1] of both left side
study = fail; [a = b]

9 Words Woman Use

2008-10-26T20:42:00.000-07:00

(1) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) THANKS: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) WHATEVER: Is a women's way of saying F YOU!

(9) DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Chinese Doctor The Best...

2008-10-19T00:23:00.000-07:00

American tourist goes on a trip to China . While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days. The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: 'I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it'.

The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc'. The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis'. The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion'.

The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice'.

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: ' Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.

The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that!, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis.'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way No need to opelate!'

'Oh, thank goodness!', the man replies.

'Yes', says the Chinese doctor, ' 'You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself! You save money.'

Tenjewberrymuds

2008-10-19T00:06:00.000-07:00

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia , which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service: 'Morrin. - Roon sirbees.'

Guest: 'Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.'

Room Service: ' Rye .. Roon sirbees .. morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen?'

Guest: 'Uh..yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs.'

Room Service: 'Ow July den?'

Guest: 'What?'

Room Service: 'Ow July den? ... pryed, boyud, poochd?'

Guest : 'Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.'

Room Service: 'Ow July dee baykem? Crease?'

Guest: 'Crisp will be fine.'

Room Service: 'Hokay. An sahn toes?'

Guest: 'What?'

Room Service: 'An toes. July sahn toes?'

Guest: 'I don't think so.'

Room Service: 'No? Judo wan sahn toes?'

Guest: 'I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means.'

Room Service: 'Toes! toes!....Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?'

Guest: 'English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.'

Room Service: 'We bodder?'

Guest: 'No ... just put the bodder on the side.'

Room Service: 'Wad! ?'

Guest: 'I mean butter...just put it on the side.'

Room Service: 'Copy?'

Guest: 'Excuse me?'

Room Service: 'Copy ... tea ... meel?'

Guest: 'Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all.'

Room Service: 'One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin w bodder on sigh and copy ..... rye?'

Guest: 'Whatever you say.'

Room Service: 'Tenjewberrymuds.'

Guest : 'You're very welcome..'

Think Before You Speak

2008-10-18T22:07:00.000-07:00

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with mens balls.'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'. I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
So, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Why We Must Know How To Speak English

2008-10-17T02:38:00.000-07:00

One day, an David from USA arrived at KLIA. After he checked out from the customs, he felt he needed to go to the toilet, so he looked for one.

When he found the toilet, there was a lady sitting at the entrance. When he was about to enter the toilet, the lady stopped him and asked for forty cents in Cantonese ('sey kok'). The Mat Salleh wondered why in MALAYSIA they have to 'see the cock' before entering the toilet?
So he said 'no' but the lady insisted. Since he had no choice, he took out his cock and showed it to her.

The lady said 'No! No! Duit, Duit!' (money in Malay), but the David misunderstood again and thought that she said 'Do it! Do it!' So he asked, 'Now? Here?' The lady replied 'Yes, yes!' because she doesn't quite understand English.

David thought that she wanted to have sex with him, so he stripped the lady and made love to her. The lady started screaming and shouted, 'SAKIT! SAKIT!' (pain in Malay), and David thought it was 'SUCK IT! SUCK IT!'

He said 'OK! I will suck it for you' and took both breasts and suck them. The lady again screamed 'Oh, TUHAN!' (Oh, MY GOD....in Malay). David misunderstood again. 'Too HARD?
OK, sweetheart, I'll be gentler a bit,' David replied.

Suddenly, a security guard walked by, so the lady shouted for help, 'TOLONG! TOLONG, ENCIK!' David replied, 'Not too long, just 6 inches only.'

Give Me Your E-mail

2008-10-17T02:31:00.000-07:00

A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Some Company.

The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

"You are employed."

He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start."

The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."

I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.

He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later , the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US.

He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email".

The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"

The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Some Company!"

It Takes An Indian Man To Make A Woman Feel Like A Woman

2008-10-17T01:08:00.000-07:00

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then an Indian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with black hair and SOFT WARM BROWN eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt............. one button at a time. No one moves, He removes his shirt. ..................Muscles ripple across his chest. ....... She gasps...

He stares deeply into her eyes. She starts to feel faint. ...................

He whispers softly: "Iron this, and get me something to eat."

Customer Support

2008-10-17T01:02:00.000-07:00

There’s always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for “Termination without Cause”.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: “Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?”
Caller: “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
Operator: “What sort of trouble??”
Caller: “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
Operator: “Went away?”
Caller: “They disappeared.”
Operator: “Hmm So what does your screen look like now?”
Caller: “Nothing.”
Operator: “Nothing??”
Caller: “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
Operator: “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??”
Caller: “How do I tell?”
Operator: “Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??”
Caller: “What’s a sea-prompt?”
Operator: “Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”
Caller: “There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
Operator: “Does your monitor have a power indicator??”
Caller: “What’s a monitor?”
Operator: “It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on??”

Caller: “I don’t know.”
Operator: “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??”

Caller: “Yes, I think so.”
Operator: “Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.
Caller: “Yes, it is.”
Operator: “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??”

Caller: “No.”
Operator: “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
Caller: “Okay, here it is.”
Operator: “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

Caller: “I can’t reach.”
Operator: “Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??”
Caller: “No.”
Operator: “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??”
Caller: “Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle - it’s because it’s dark.”
Operator: “Dark??”
Caller: “Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

Operator: “Well, turn on the office light then.”
Caller: “I can’t.”
Operator: “No? Why not??”
Caller: “Because there’s a power failure.”
Operator: “A power……… A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??”

Caller: “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
Operator: “Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you Bought it from.”

Caller: “Really? Is it that bad?”
Operator: “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
Caller: “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??”
Operator: “Tell them you’re too freaking stupid to own a computer!!!!!

Something Cool

2008-09-30T07:29:00.000-07:00

Ah beng was walking along his work area one day and saw his friend Ah mute. Ah mute can't speak so he needs to use sign language to communicate. Ah mute signal why Ah Beng isn't at work.

Ah beng than look around and gathered some leaves under the tree and stand on them. He look at Ah Mute and pointed down at the leaves. Ah Mute is now confused..

Later Ah Sian pass by and saw Ah Beng standing on the leaves. Ah mute than signal Ah Sian on what is Ah Beng trying to say..

Ah sian than type down in his handphone and show it to Ah Mute. 'Aiyo so simple, Ah Beng Is On Leave!'

Medicare Coverage In A Nutshell

2008-09-25T07:30:00.000-07:00

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.' 'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'This is she.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's.

Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's.'

'That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

Beauty of Math!

2008-09-20T20:46:00.000-07:00

Absolutely amazing!

1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321

1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111

9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888

Brilliant, isn't it?

And look at this symmetry:

1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111=123456789 87654321

Top 10 Reasons Why You Should Date An Engineer

2008-09-20T20:43:00.000-07:00

10. The world does revolve around us... we choose the coordinate system.

9. No "couple" enjoy a better "moment".

8. We know how to handle stress and strain in a relationship.

7. We have significant figures.

6. We understand the motion of rigid bodies.

5. Projectile motion: Do we need to say more?

4. Engineers do it to specification.

3. According to Newton, if two bodies interact, their forces are equal and opposite.

2. We know it's not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force.

1. WE KNOW THE RIGHT HAND RULE!

Ah Beng with the Kidnapper

2008-09-20T20:37:00.000-07:00

Kidnapper: Hey ur son is in my hand! If u wan him back u have to gimme $10 million!
Ah beng: Har?
Kidnapper: Hey ur son is in my hand! If u wan him back u have to gimme $10 million!
Ah beng:Har? Ni Jiang xia mi?
Ah beng: nothing bye...

_________________________________________________________

Kidnapper: Hey ur son is in my hand! If u wan him back u have to gimme $10 million!
Ah beng: Hahahahahahah....(hang up)
Kidnapper:???

_________________________________________________________

Kidnapper: Hey ur son is in my hand! If u wan him back u have to gimme $10 million!
Ah beng:oh....okay
*Silence 10 minutes*
Kidnapper: hey ur son is in danger!
Ah beng: oh, okay
*Silence 30 minutes*
Kidnapper:Hey!
Ah beng: This is a voice msg system, please leave down ur msg after the beep.
Kidnapper:..........

_________________________________________________________

Kidnapper: Hey ur son is in my hand! If u wan him back u have to gimme $10 million!
Ah beng: U looking for my son, wait ar. *Ah boy, someone looking for u*
Kidnapper: Sry wrong number...

_________________________________________________________Kidnapper: Hey ur son is in my hand! If u wan him back u have to gimme $10 million!
Ah beng:ur son in my hand? u wan him bak give me $10 million ar? I okay ar but where is ur son 1st?
Kidnapper: What the....?

_________________________________________________________

Kidnapper: Hey ur son is in my hand! If u wan him back u have to gimme $10 million!
Ah beng: Oh really? Okay please take care of him, dont let him play alone outside.
Kidnapper: Har?

_________________________________________________________

Kidnapper: Hey ur son is in my hand! If u wan him back u have to gimme $10 million!
Ah beng: Har my son come back alive liao?
Kidnapper: HAR~?

Tech Support

2008-09-20T20:31:00.000-07:00

The letter to IT Support:

Dear IT Support ,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance particularly in the flower, gifts and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 but installed undesirable programs such as Formula One 5.0, Golf 3.0 and World Cup 2.0.

And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no available.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate Housewife

The Response from IT Support:

Dear Desperate Housewife,

First keep in mind: Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.

If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night Teh Tarik 6.1.

Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a common want program but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Slim Exercise 3.0, Tongkat Ali 6.9 and Drumstick Suck 9.0

Good Luck,
IT Support

Too Much Free Time

2008-09-09T22:36:00.001-07:00

This is one of the cleverest emails in a while. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!

FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE
When you rearrange the letters:
FLIT ON CHEERING ANGEL

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Hungry Ghost Story - Malaysian Style

2008-09-09T22:36:00.000-07:00

A man dies and goes to hell.There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, 'What do they do here?"

He was told, 'First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day.

'The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on and checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more countries... He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell...

Then he comes to the Malaysia hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, 'What do they do here?'

He was told, 'First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Malaysian devil comes and beats you for the rest of the day.

''But that is exactly the same as all the other hells --- so why are so many people waiting to get in here?' asked the man. Because maintenance is so bad, the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed and the Malaysian devil is a former Government servant, so he comes in and signs the register and then goes to the canteen.

Culture East Vs West

2008-09-06T01:32:00.000-07:00

Blue --> Westerner
Red --> Asian

Opinion

B: Talk to the point R: Talk around the circle, especially if different opinions

Way of Life
B: individualism, think of himself or herself.
R: enjoy gathering with family and friends, solving their problems, and know each other's business (keh poh).

Punctuality
B: on time.
R: in time.

Contacts
B: Contact to related person only
R: Contact everyone everywhere, business very successful.

Anger
B: Show that I am angry.
R: I am angry, but still smiling... (beware!)

Queue when Waiting
B: Queuing in an orderly manner
R: Queuing?! What's that?

Sundays on the Road
B: Enjoy weekend relaxing peacefully.
R: Enjoy weekend in crowded places, like going to the mall.

Party
B: Only gather with their own group.
R: All focus on the one activity that is hosted by the CEO .

In the restaurant
B: Talk softly and gently in the restaurant.
R: Talk and laugh loudly like their own the restaurant .

Travelling
B: Love sightseeing and enjoy the scenery.
R: Taking picture is the most important, scenery is just for the background.

Handling of Problems
B: Take any steps to solve the problems.
R: Try to avoid conflicts, and if can, don't leave any trail.

Three meals a day
B: Good meal for once a day is sufficed.
R: At least 3 good meals a day.

Transportation
B: Before drove cars, now cycling for environmental protection.
R: Before no money and rode a bike, now got money and drive a car .

Elderly in day to day life

B: When old, there is snoopy for companionship.
R: When old, guarantee will not be lonely, as long as willing to baby-sit the grandkids.

Moods and Weather

B: The logic is, rain is pain.
R: The more the rain, more prosperity .

The Boss
B: The boss is part of the team.
R: The boss is a Fierce god.

What's Trendy
B: Healthy Asian cuisine
R: Expensive Western cuisine.

The Child
B: The kid is going to be independent and make his/her own living..
R: Work, live and all for the kids, the centre of life.

Kids Are Quick!!!

2008-08-26T04:34:00.000-07:00

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. ___________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right..... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

____________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

Ah Beng - Latest Version

2008-08-23T10:09:00.000-07:00

Ah Beng bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said, "My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610"

************************************************************************************
Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College.
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

************************************************************************************
Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

************************************************************************************
Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

************************************************************************************
Ah Beng : People consider me as a "GOD"
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! You have come again.

************************************************************************************
Ah Beng complained to the police: "Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house."
Police: "How the thief did not take TV?"
Ah Beng : "I was watching TV news..."

************************************************************************************
Ah Beng comes back to his car and find a note saying "Parking Fine"
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole "Thanks for complement."

************************************************************************************
How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

************************************************************************************
Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other. So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

************************************************************************************
Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings.

He picks it up and says "Hello, how did you know I was here?"

************************************************************************************
Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng : If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

************************************************************************************
Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Ah Beng : The future tense is "You will go to jail."

************************************************************************************
Ah Beng told his servant: "Go and water the plants!"
Servant: "It's already raining."
Ah Beng : "So what? Take an umbrella and go."

************************************************************************************
A man asked Ah Beng why Ahmad Badawi goes walking in the Evening and not in the morning? Ah Beng replied Ahmad Badawi is PM not AM.

7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children

2008-08-23T09:42:00.000-07:00

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

*************************************************************************************
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

*************************************************************************************
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

*************************************************************************************
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mommy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

*************************************************************************************
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, She's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, She's dead.'

*************************************************************************************
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said. 'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

*************************************************************************************
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

Your Cartoon Character

2008-08-17T08:06:00.000-07:00

Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character. Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character you most resemble? A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of well known and modern cartoon characters. The information that was gathered was made into this test.

Answer all the questions (only 10) with what describes you best, add up all your Points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at the end and look for your results. Do not cheat by looking at the end before you are done.

1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)
c) Painting in the park (5 pts)
d) Rock concert (1 pt.)
e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)

2. What is your favorite type of music?
a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)
b) Alternative (1 pt.)
c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
d) Country (5 pts )
e) Pop (3 pts.)

3. What type of movies do you prefer?
a) Comedy (2 pts.)
b) Horror (1 pt.)
c) Musical (3 pts.)
d) Romance (4 pts.)
e) Documentary (5 pts.)

4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could choose one of these?
a) Waiter (4 pts.)
b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
c) Teacher (3 pts.)
d) Police (2 pts.)
e) Cashier (1 pt)

5 What do you do with your spare t ime?
a) Exercise (5 pts.)
b) Read (4 pts.)
c) Watch television (2 pts.)
d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
e) Sleep (3 pts.)

6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?
a) Yellow (1 pt.)
b) White (5 pts.)
c) Sky Blue (3 pts)
d) Dark Blue(2 pts.)
e) Red (4 pts.)

7. What do you prefer to eat?
a) Snow (3 pts.)
b) Pizza (2 pts.)
c) Sushi (1 pt.)
d) Pasta (4 pts.)
e) Salad (5 pts.)

8. What is your favorite holiday ?
a) Halloween(1 pt.)
b) Christmas (3 pts.)
c) New Year (2 pts.)
d) Valentine's Day (4 pts.)
e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.)

9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
a) Paris (4 pts.)
b) Spain (5 pts)
c) Las Vegas (1 pt)
d) Hawaii (4 pts)
e) Hollywood (3 pts)

10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?
a) Someone Smart (5 pts.)
b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)
d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)

Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for!

(10-16 points) You are Garfield :
You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how to have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit may hurt you or others.

(17-23 points) You are Snoopy:

You are fun; you are very cool and popular. You always know what's in and you're never out of style, you are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once but you always come home with the family values that you learned Being married and having children are important to you, but only after you have had your share of fun times

(24-28 points) You are Elmo:
You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to give advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and you always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to be too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in yo ur life.

(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants:
You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey, it's funny and calm for the most part Stay away from traitors and jealous people and you will be stress free.

(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown:
You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your Mom every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.

(44-50 points ) You are Dexter:
You are smart and definitely a thinker... Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong family principles. You maintain a stable routine but neve r ignore a bad situation when it comes. Try to do less over thinking every once in a while to spice things up a bit with spontaneity!

Now don't spoil it! Have some Fun!!

Beware of Flap Phones!!!

2008-08-10T03:55:00.000-07:00

This is the reason why you shouldn't use flap phones or let your young kids or siblings play with a flap phone -_-"

Do You Dare To Use This Toilet???

2008-08-08T08:22:00.000-07:00

This is how the toilet looks like from the outside!!!

This is how the toilet look like from the inside!!! It's made entirely of one-way glass! No one can see you from the outside, but when you are inside it's like sitting in a clear glass box!

Do you dare to use this toilet???

25 Ways To Tell You're Grown Up

2008-08-06T06:18:00.000-07:00

Uncle Paul

2008-05-25T05:20:00.001-07:00

"Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?"

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

No, this is 486-5713.....

Sorry, wrong number!!!!!!!!

Wacky Definitions!!!

2008-04-02T10:03:00.000-07:00

These are classics!!!!

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich..

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine water-power.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise after death

"Dishonesty is a Modern-Aged Man's Integrity. The Truth will always Hurt".

Actual Letters

2008-04-02T03:41:00.000-07:00

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK. (I got it in my email)

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker, as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
3. Their 18 year old son is repeatedly banging his balls against my fence.
4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
6. Will you please send someone round to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday, and now she is pregnant.
7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and the rest are plain filthy.
8. The toilet is blocked, and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
9. Will you please send someone round to look at my water? It is a funny colour and isn't fit to drink.
10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is in three pieces.
11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6:00 am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
12. The man next door has a large erection in his garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat, and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times, but I have still had no satisfaction.
17. My bush is really overgrown round the front, and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house, and I just can't take it anymore.

Mathematics

2008-02-14T01:17:00.000-08:00

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his life can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Story Of A Man...

2008-01-31T23:20:00.000-08:00

1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I'm unable to remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: It's nature's way of saying "no hard feelings".

5 There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop"; unless they are used together.

6. Panties are not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages to sex in a person's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity... it's a lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
      A: The same thing as a French kiss; only down under.

14. A newly married couple were happy with the "whole thing". He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing!

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
      A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
      A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.

17. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ?
      A: Breasts don't have eyes.

18. Of course you've heard about the Viagra computer virus; it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.

19. Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives!!!

7 Drawfs Go To Rome

2008-01-31T23:07:00.002-08:00

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"

Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.

"This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

What Is Marketing?

2008-01-26T22:36:00.000-08:00

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!
That's Direct Marketing

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich, I want to marry you."
That's Brand Recognition

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback

Business Logic

2008-01-26T22:26:00.000-08:00

Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case...ok"

Next Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"

This is how business is done!!

Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything. But your attitude should be positive

The Doctor's Receptionist

2008-01-22T01:38:00.000-08:00

This may actually be a fictitious STORY but I did come across similar situations where the receptionist indeed asks stupid questions to which she has no answers in the first place. Others tell you straight away that you need this or that test/treatment before the doctor even had a chance to speak to you.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, which is why I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discuss the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.

Set Healthy Improvement Goals for Yourself

2007-12-23T11:17:00.000-08:00

Live well. Eat well. Exercise well. It's a fresh start to the New Year.

Posted by Gabrielle Reece on Wed, Jan 10, 2007, 10:49 pm PST

Let's get down to it, unless it's to see how many slices of the pizza you can eat, setting goals is generally not all about yee haw. It's connected to work. Good. Now that we got that out of the way, let's figure out some low drama/stress ways to create a few diet and fitness goals.

1. Ask yourself: what the "Why" or reason is that you want to do this in the first place. Once you figure out what your why is, then focus in on that baby. If your why is strong enough, then you will have a good motive (both with your brain and heart) to stick to your goals, and you will do a better job at it.

2. Figure out where you're at in a few places. For starters, how is your overall fitness level, and how long has it been since you have been in a regular fitness routine?

Don't go out there guns blazing the first week and make yourself so tired and sore that you don't want to look at another sneaker or dumbbell as long as you live. On the nutrition front, don't approach this with the attitude of "what can I not eat now" but look at it like, 'What can I eat?"

Do not starve yourself. This is not a diet. This is about setting goals that reflect a change in lifestyle, not about goals that make you feel deprived.

3. Once you know who you are, then have your goals reflect your likes. If you like to be alone, then go on walks and wear your music at the gym. Prefer to hang with someone? Take a class or invite a friend to go for a hike. If you can't stand to be locked in the indoors, then create goals that represent you. Don't struggle every day doing something that you can't stand.

Find goals that you will be able to really follow through with week after week. Hate cottage cheese or low-cal anything? Forget it! You find the foods that will give you energy and help you reach your goals that you enjoy eating. They are out there, and yes, it sometimes takes a little more effort to find them, but they are there.

4. Set goals within your goals. Don't just start out saying, "I want to lose 30 or 60 pounds and run a marathon." Hello, who can live up to that one? How's that for stress? How does, "I'm going to work out four times a week this week and do cardio for 10 minutes" sound?

"Then next week I'm going to up my cardio to 15 minutes and throw in two days of light resistance training." Once you get a little momentum, then begin with the psychotic roller coaster talk of "I'm going to lose four pounds this week."

For me personally, I think that is a little scary, but I know some of you love those numbers, and I'm not going to fight with you. By setting these mini goals, you will be successful all along the way. This will give you more motivation during the process because you will be inspired by not only your results, but also the feeling of victory.

5. Reset the brain and heart. So, you're taking this on and doing a mini restart in your life. That means you have to see and believe the you that you are becoming. Cliché, I know, but the power of the mind followed by the belief of the heart is some serious juice. If we don't have that lined up when we create our goals, it doesn't matter if we do everything right, we can't make it happen. Clear away those old thoughts and habits that will keep you from reaching your goals.

6. Be realistic with your time reality. If you work five days a week and have two kids, then don't set goals where you are going to work out six days a week for two hours. Probably will get to be too much very quickly. See where you can get the extra time (yes, turn off the tube and hang up your phone), and make your goals reflect a realistic plan of attack.

7. Be kind to yourself. If you blow it one day or even have a bad week, get over it. Let's go! Don't torture yourself about something to the point that it stops you. In this regard, be nice enough to yourself to give yourself a break once in a while.

Good luck!

Fortune & Personality Traits From The Tips Of Your Fingers

2007-12-23T11:07:00.001-08:00

It is already an accepted fact that every single person in the world has a different set of fingerprints. The Chinese have devised a way to read personality & destiny traits by studying the waves and the circles that appear at the tips of everyone's fingers – indeed so convinced are they that in the old days the fingers of prospective daughters-in-law were carefully scrutinized by prominent families to ensure they did not unwittingly welcome women who had fingers that showed alternate circles and waves on their fingers, as it was commonly believed that such women would bring trouble into the family, being particularly difficult to control and usually very aggressive.

In this issue of FSW we bring you some indications of destiny & personality traits based on the circles and waves on the five fingers of each hand. Guys should examine their left hands while women should look at their right hands.

Here are the two different patterns of circles and waves seen on every finger. To make a reading, look at your thumb print first, then your index finger, your middle finger, your ring finger and then your little finger in that order. This is the sequence that offers clues to your destiny & fortunes of your life.

For ease of reference we shall refer to circles as Os and to waves as Ws.

Fingers: OOOOO (all whorls)
Means: This person is very confident, has a strong character and a hot temper. He/she is an independent person. The luck of this person changes dramatically in life from one period to the next. The undoing of this person will be his/her hot temper so it is vital that this person must learn to be patient and calm.

Shape: WWWWW (all waves)
Means: This person is a straightforward honest person who goes with the flow. The fingers indicate someone very sensitive, who is especially suited to design and creative work. People with these fingerprint patterns tend to be shy and uncomfortable in social situations, so are not suited to work in PR, politics or any kind of work requiring them to meet people.

Shape: OWWWO
Means: If you can choose a prestigious working career, you will be very successful. However, you should avoid the tendency to get big-headed and you must never take your career for granted. You should also watch your back, as you tend to attract jealousy into your life and could get betrayed. Always look for long-term benefits.

Shape: OWWOW
Means: You will need to work harder during the early days of your career. When you reach middle and older age, you will get recognition and wealth luck. So your life gets better the older you get.

Shape: OWOWW
Means: It is vital that you resist the tendency to be narrow-minded in your attitudes and in the way you think and work. Try to be humble and learn as much as possible. This is how you will get influential help that brings you to the peak of your business and career life.

Shape: WOOOO
Means: You are a very clear-minded person. As long as you work hard, you are guaranteed to be successful. Even though you tend to be in a hurry, there will be those who help you along. You are also a person with a kind heart.

Shape: OOOOW
Means: Because you are kind and have an in-built polite attitude, you will easily get help from older persons and friends. You will enjoy great success in your working life and your only weakness is you don't trust people too easily. This can make you too conservative.

Shape: OOOWW
Means: You have a tendency to be bad tempered, and rather quick to judge. This is a shallow attitude and could easily get you onto the wrong path. If you can correct this tendency of yours, you will have great success. The potential is in you, so try to be calm in your approach.

Shape: OWWWW
Means: You have good character but can only become really successful in older age. Be prepared to have to work really hard during your younger and middle age periods, but you will become a successful person in older years.

Shape: WOWWW
Means: You are very good in the social skills. No matter what industry you are in, you like to take risk and you will always face uncertainty. Be careful as the later years of your life could bring yet more challenges. Take less risk as you get older.

Shape: WWOWW
Means: You are a person who has high vision and heavy responsibility. Be careful. Your visions could get you into serious difficulty. Better to stay more grounded, then your life will have greater success.

Shape: WWWOW
Means: You are very intelligent and will enjoy a lot of scholastic honours. You will have a smooth life and benefit from wealth luck. If you can work hard, you will become a great and successful person.

Shape: WWWWO
Means: You will inherit a business or property from your parents or from an older person. Even though you are a capable person and can be successful in your own business, your tendency towards impatience could get you into a lot of difficulty.

Shape: OOWWW
Means: You have a tendency to be proud and snobbish, although deep inside you are a kind-hearted person. Your social skills however need improving. Your relatives tend to take advantage of you.

Shape: WOWWO
Means: You are a deep thinking person. At a young age, you are already thinking of your future. You will enjoy a smooth and peaceful life; you will be very happy in your old age.

Shape: WOWOO
Means: You are a very sociable person and you enjoy the carefree kind of life going out, partying and clubbing. When you reach middle and older age, you will rely on people to support you. Be warned, if you do not prepare yourself, you might have a hard time during your older years.

Shape: WOWOW
Means: You are not an easy person to control or to convince, as you are something of a rebel. If you can stay focused on what you want from life, you will be successful. The problem is that you can be fickle and vague in what you really want from life.

Shape: WWOWO
Means: Your whole life is full of ups and downs, successes and failures. However, if you can move steadily step-by-step, you can enjoy a peaceful life as you grow into maturity.

Shape: WWWOO
Means: You are very kindhearted person and there will be good people in your life, as you will attract these kinds of people towards you. Work hard and you will easily reap your just rewards. You will definitely become successful.

Shape: OWWOO
Means: You will get recognition and become famous. Even though your life appears unstable during your earlier years of working life and you need to work hard in your thirties, when you reach maturity, your life gets better and better.

Shape: WWOOW
Means: You are a very capable person, but you tend to lack good judgement. You also tend to start something and then lose interest. Stay focused if you want to succeed.

Shape: OWOOW
Means: You are a noble person with a good character. You tend to be very helpful towards colleagues and friends so you are a popular person. Because you can think in-depth and have sensitivity towards others, you will enjoy success in the creative fields.

Shape: OWOWO
Means: You are blessed with a fast and formidable intellect. You work very quickly and with great effectiveness. However, your character is very aggressive and people tend to be intimidated by you. If you can correct this trait, you can rise to great heights.

Shape: WWOOO
Means: You are a very straightforward person. But your thinking tends to be rather naïve and shallow. Even though your suggestions are good, if you don't think through what you say, you should not be surprised if people tend to ignore your views. Your speech tends to lack power.

Shape: OOWOW
Means: You are a high-minded person, able to see and grab opportunities. You are best suited to work in the financial and investment fields. Your luck gets better as you grow older.

Shape: OOWWO
Means: You are a very honest and reputable person. You have little urge to get rich or pursue material wealth. But watch it, if you don't know how to take care of yourself, you can easily get conned and taken advantage of by people.

Shape: OOOWO
Means: Your social skills are good, so you attract guidance and help from influential people. Many people help you in your rise to prominence, and your luck turns fabulous in later years.

Shape: OOWOO
Means: You are a very brave and hardworking person. A lot of people trust you when you are young. However, unless you work at preserving your reputation, you could make enemies on your rise up and find that life becomes harder as you get older.

Shape: OWOOO
Means: You are a kindhearted character and easily get along with others. You are not good at doing business, but you are good as a teacher or even as a spiritual master. You can enjoy success in the academic world.

Shape: WOOWW
Means: You are reputable and have a peaceful character. So you are definitely someone who can become successful and recognized. However, because of your tendency towards pride, you could end up offending the wrong people.

Shape: WOOWO
Means: You are a simple but logical person. If you can focus on the fundamentals of life and adopt a step-by-step approach in your climb up the success ladder and not be too impatient, you will benefit from wealth luck and be honored by people.

Shape: WOOOW
Means: You are a straight talking person who is forthright in your approach. You are strong in character, playful but you also easily offend people. But you are also lucky because when you reach middle age, you will rise to a prominent position and your luck really changes for the better.

Listen Closely

2007-11-11T23:51:00.000-08:00

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

Barbie Doll

2007-10-26T23:30:00.000-07:00

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembersthat it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95? "

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's Friends."

Poems to Make You Laugh

2007-10-26T22:28:00.000-07:00

Roses are red, violets are blue
Monkeys like you should be kept in the zoo.
Don't feel so angry, you will find me there too
Not in a cage but laughing at you...
_____________________________________________

Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
_____________________________________________

The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
_____________________________________________

I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
then ~ I wrote your name on my heart And.
I got a heart attack straight away.
_____________________________________________

God saw me hungry, HE created pizza.
HE saw me thirsty, HE created Pepsi
HE saw me in dark, HE created light
HE saw me without problems, HE created YOU.

Just For Laughs

2007-10-12T03:31:00.000-07:00

Man comes home , finds his wife with his friend in bed . He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends"
****************************************
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
***********************************
Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE?? Without Information Fighting Everytime."
Wife replies," No, It means, With Idiot For Ever !!!"
**************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.
**************************************
Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.
**************************************
A women asks man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours??"
The man replies, " No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".
*************************************
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential.
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential!"

The Why's Of Men

2007-10-11T00:31:00.000-07:00

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart !

One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
-----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."

Man

2007-09-17T18:38:00.000-07:00

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....
1. Men are like ... Laxatives .... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ...... Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ..... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ... Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like .... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ....... Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

What weight us down

2007-09-17T18:33:00.000-07:00

Real Good stuff after a long time...
Let the one who loves never be unhappy for love even unreturned has its rainbow.

A kindergarten teacher has decided to let her class play a game. The teacher told each child in the class to bring along a plastic bag containing a few potatoes. Each potato will be given a name of a person that the child hates, so the number of potatoes that a child will put in his/her plastic bag will depend on the number of people he/she hates.

So when the day came, every child brought some potatoes with the name of the people he/she hated. Some had 2 potatoes; some 3 while some up to 5 potatoes.

The teacher then told the children to carry with them the potatoes in the plastic bag wherever they go for 1 week.

Days after days passed by, and the children started to complain due to the unpleasant smell let out by the rotten potatoes. Besides, those having 5 potatoes also had to carry heavier bags.

After 1 week , the children were relieved because the game had finally ended.

The teacher asked: "How did you feel while carrying the potatoes with you for 1 week?" The children let out their frustrations and started complaining of the trouble that they had to go through having to carry the heavy and smelly potatoes wherever they go.

Then the teacher told them the hidden meaning behind the game.

The teacher said: "This is exactly the situation when you carry your hatred for somebody inside your heart. The stench of hatred will contaminate your heart and you will carry it with you wherever you go. If you cannot tolerate the smell of rotten potatoes for just 1 week, can you imagine what is it like to have the stench of hatred in your heart for your lifetime???"

Moral of the story:
Throw away any hatred for anyone from your heart so that you will not carry sins for a life time. Forgiving others is the best attitude to take!

Life is to be fortified by many friendships.
To love & to be loved is the greatest happiness.

Fate determines who comes into our lives. The heart determines who stays.

The Monkey Joke

2007-09-17T18:28:00.000-07:00

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"Now what?" asks the patron.

"Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

Height Of Miscommunication

2007-08-24T06:27:00.000-07:00

This takes place in India ...

Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
"Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma? "
"Yes......speaking.."
AEC guy,"You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy .
"What are you saying? It's in your files.. HOW?????"
"Yes, We have a system of finding out who's overdue."
"GEEZ !!!!!!......... this is too much.........."
"Madam, I am sorry, I am following orders...I have to inform you are overdue."
"I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow. "

That night, she tells her husband the story, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. She'd have to use a candle, I guess."

Geography Of Women & Men

2007-08-22T10:07:00.000-07:00

GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 33, a woman is like Canada, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 33 and 43, a woman is like India ; very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 43 and 50, a woman is like France, gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 51 and 59, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 60 and 65, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.

Between 66 and 70 , a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now unpatrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. A mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF MEN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like America - ruled by a dick.

Is Hell Exothermic???

2007-08-22T10:01:00.000-07:00

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, Of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than One of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, We can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the
temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the act that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Adult Confession

2007-08-22T09:57:00.000-07:00

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 25th reunion and have lunch together.

Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions, but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."

After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera we're going to my parent's house for two weeks."

The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a Taurus."

"Well," the third woman says, "I've got a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."

Some Chinese Names To Avoid

2007-08-10T03:46:00.000-07:00

This is something cute to brighten up everyone's mood!

Mandarin
Paul Chan - Bankrupt
Anne Chang – Dirty
Faye Chen - Dusty
Anne Chin - Keep quiet
Henry Mah - Hate your mum
Jane Tan - Frying eggs
Nelson Tan - Bird laying eggs
Leslie Tong - Rubbish bin Hokkien
Carl Cheng - Buttock
Monica Cheng - Touching your buttocks
Lucy Leow - You are dead
Suzie Leow - Lost till death
Lim Yew Lin - Drink urine
Lim Teh Peng - Drink iced tea
Danny See - Squeeze you to death
Corrine Tai - Poor fellow
Rosie Teng - Screws and nails
Carmen Tng - Leg hair long
Pete Tsai - Nose droppings Cantonese
Connie Mah - Call your mother
Macy Koh - Never die before
Micheal Tan - Sell eggs
Micheal Loong - Sell chicken cage

They Walk Among Us!!!

2007-08-10T03:37:00.001-07:00

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old, still working fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.

. . . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

. . . . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

. . . . . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

. . . . . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car that's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

. . . . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.

. . . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

. . . . . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!

While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

. . . . . . . . Yep, They Walk Among Us. They walk among us, and reproduce too!

You're Always By My Side

2007-08-10T03:30:00.000-07:00

A man was walking across the road when he met with an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be in a coma for 2 days.

When he opened his eyes, his wife was by his side. He told her (in tears), "When I was struggling with my studies in the University, I failed again and again. Sometimes I even have to re-take my papers. You were there by my side, encouraging me to go on trying."

She squeezed his hands as he continued, "When I went for major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there, cutting out the job ads for me to apply..."

He added, " ...then I started working in this little firm and finally got a big contract. I blew it because of a small mistake. But you are still there for me."

His wife was in tears.

The man said, "I finally got a job after being laid off for quite some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now. You are still beside me..."

His wife's tears trickled down as she listened to him, "And now I met with an accident and when I woke up, you are here with me. There's something I really like to say to you..."

She flung herself on the bed and hug her husband, sobbing with deep emotion.

Finally her husband said,.............

"I think you bring me bad luck-lah."

The Onion And The Christmas Tree

2007-08-07T03:38:00.000-07:00

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??"

"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

Permission Slips!!!

2007-08-04T02:43:00.000-07:00

Hope you would enjoy this ^_^

Below is the permission slips for husband / boyfriend...

Below is the permission slip for wife / girlfriend...

How Do You Sleep???

2007-08-04T01:01:00.000-07:00

Contrary to the previous one (curling up), you are gentle, polite, sincere and loving. Well, nothing is perfect. Build up your self confidence and learn to accept mistakes or imperfection. Happiness will then come your way!

What a liberty loving-soul! Well, this posture reveals your true identity. Comfort-lover and beauty-worshipper, you are also a real spendthrift (but luckily you earn just as much). Your other undesirable trait is that you are a bit nosy and seem to enjoy gossiping. Well, who did you mention in your tales lately?

If you sleep face down all night, you are likely to be narrow minded. You are probably self centered and always force people to comply with your own needs. You are also likely to be reckless and desultory. Time to change your sleep posture.

You feel lonely and depressed because you are obsessed with your past failures and set backs. You are hesitant and indecisive, giving others an impression that love has been missing in your life.

Selfish, jealous and vindictive are words that describe you. People around you got to be careful not to step on your toes as you are easily irritated!

You are inclined to be fussy, always whining and complaining. Nervousness is probably your second name. You tense up easily and get overly excited over small matters. Life isn't such a big deal. Learn to relax.

You may appear real macho in public, but deep down inside you are shy and weak. You tend to keep loads of secrets. If you encounter any problem, you will rather keep it to yourself and agonise over it than ask for help. No wonder you grimace in your sleep!

You're highly intelligent and enthusiastic to learn. Yet sometimes you are filled with cranky ideas which people find it hard to follow. You take good care of your family, but the problem is you hardly love anyone. A little bit choosy, huh?

Anyone who sleeps cross-legged is said to be self-obsessed and finds difficulty in accepting changes. Solitude is your priority.

Ironies Of Life

2007-07-27T02:20:00.000-07:00

Men :
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.

Women :
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

Wisdom:
WHEN I WAS MARRIED 25 YEARS, I TOOK A LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "HONEY, 25 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLOND."

NOW WE HAVE A $2M HOME, A $245,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND 50" PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU ARE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT & FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLONDE, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

Before and After Marriage

2007-06-25T21:53:00.000-07:00

Before the marriage:

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Yes!

She: Will you hit me?

He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom to the top !!!!

A Few Stories On Woman Car Drivers

2007-06-11T02:12:00.000-07:00

A traffic policeman stops a woman and asks to see her driving licence. 'Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses when driving.' 'Well,' replies the woman, 'I have contacts.' 'Lady, I don't care who you know, your still going to get a ticket.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the swimming pool."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Policeman: 'When I saw you coming round that bend I thought, "Forty-five at least".'
Woman motorist: 'Well, I always look older in this hat.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A young lady was driving through a built-up area at about 70 mph when she noticed a motorcycle policeman on her tail. She increased her speed to 80 mph but the cop hung grimly on her tail. She put her foot down and pushed the car up to 90, drawing rapidly away from her pursuer. Suddenly she saw a garage up ahead and with a squeal of brakes she pulled up in the forecourt and dashed into the ladies' toilet. Five minutes later she emerged to find the motor-cycle policeman waiting for her. With a sweet smile she said, 'I bet you thought I'd never make it in time.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife had a nasty accident with the car this morning. She backed it out of the garage, completely forgetting that the night before, she had backed it in.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Magistrate: 'But if you saw the lady driving towards you, why didn't you give her half the road?'
Motorist: 'I was going to, Your Honour, as soon as I could find out which half she wanted.'

Don't Try To Save Your Boss' Life

2007-05-21T03:42:00.000-07:00

STORY OF SINCERE SINGH

This story tell us not to be "too kind" to our bosses

Here it goes:

There's this Jaga Singh who was working for a multi-millionare as a house guard. One day, while the millionaire was driving out to catch an early morning flight to conclude a business deal, Jaga Singh ran out from the guard house and stopped the millionaire's car just right in front of the gate.

He said "Sir..Sir.. are you going to board a plane?" "Yes, why?" asked the millionaire. "You had better cancel the trip. You see, last night I dreamt about the plane going to crash."

Curious over the early morning fright that Jaga Singh had given, the multimillionaire decided to cancel his trip. "You better be damn right for this is a million dollar deal."

The following day, there were news reports that the plane which the millionaire was supposed to take had indeed crash landed. ! "Thank God I cancelled the trip,." the rich man said Realising that what Jaga Singh had said had come true, he called the Singh to see him.

When the guard was called that morning, the millionaire gave him his salary and FIRED him. WHY ?

Think first....

Use your brains

Use your brains!!!!!

Still no idea??

Come on...... it is very easy....

Still drawing a blank????

Just imagine you are the Singh and you have saved your boss's life........

OK-lah, since you do not want to "use your brains" like Jaga Singh before you talk to your boss..........

Just scroll down for the answer...

ANSWER
Jaga Singh was supposed to guard the house at night ...NOT to Sleep and Dream all night!!!!!

So, GO BACK TO WORK!! and Don't try to save your boss's life!! It's not worth!!! Always save your own ass first!!! Haha!!!

Smart Ass Answers

2007-05-12T10:14:00.000-07:00

SMART ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on QANTAS.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the Virgin departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at Woolworths but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a packer, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid he had stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car arrives.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007

A University lecturer reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Curtain Rods

2007-05-07T01:36:00.001-07:00

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some s soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home . . ..

. . . including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????

Quotes

2007-05-07T01:32:00.000-07:00

You don’t need a title to be a leader
Mark Sanborn
All of you have a giant within you, an inbuilt leadership quality, which carries the power to influence many things around you. You can choose to use it, or loose it.

No dream is too big for a human mind. Dare to dream, big.
The power of limitation is limited by your very own mind.

We need men who can dream of things that never were and ask why not
George Bernard Shaw
Don’t just ask why, ask why not?And don’t just ask why not, ask why?

Life consists in what a man is thinking of all day.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
An untrained mind cannot achieve much, while a trained mind can achieve anything. The key to completing anything with success is the power of your attention. The key to reaping the joy, is from your full participation.

Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven, and all else shall be added unto you.
The Gospel according to Saint Matthew
Stop dwelling on ourselves, empty ourselves of what hides our true nature, to be a vehicle and channel to the deepest Self and do work for what is real or true/for the Lord. Going with the true nature of the flow – problems will be resolved and relationships will blossom.

The tree which moves some to tears of joy is in the eyes of others only a green thing that stands in the way.
William Blake
When we are absorbed in the pursuit of profit, we live in the narrow world of the bottom line. In that world, our neighbors are only concerned about profit. Yet all around us is a world teeming with people, animals, organisms, and elements – a deeply interconnected environment that responds to all we do.

Love what you do and do what you don’t with love or full dedication.
Every minute will pass ever so quickly. In each thought, movement, action, do it with all your heart. You will find everything you do, full of meaning with each dedication.

People say, “What is the sense of our small effort?” They cannot see that we must lay one brick at a time, take one step at a time.
Dorothy Day
Just as ice when heated, becomes water that flows. In the same way, all of that locked up energy can be released. Poco a poco, little by little., To succeed anything, we need steady effort, one step at a time.

The Perfect Husband

2007-05-07T01:29:00.000-07:00

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

1 To 10

2007-05-07T01:23:00.000-07:00

This is hilarious...even an Englishman could not construct sentences using numeric! Exclusively only to great Malaysian and Singaporean Chinese...........

Ah Lek was asked to construct a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 10. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it in reverse. This was what he came up with... 1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rush out and wanted to 5 with me. I run so fast until I fall 6 and throw up. So I go into 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him.
Then I took a 9 and try to stab him. 10 God he run away. So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6.
He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asks me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand, I so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1 .

Confession Of A Kid

2007-05-07T01:20:00.000-07:00

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.

Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

"Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.

Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1
Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Bobby.
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2
Dear God, This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you. Your friend Bobby. Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3
Dear God, I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday. Bobby. Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4
Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you, Bobby. Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.

Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5
DEAR GOD, I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!

Quotes Of Confidence

2007-05-07T01:17:00.000-07:00

Just as much as we see in others we have in ourselves.
- William Hazlitt, English essayist and critic -

It's not who you are that holds you back , it's who you think you're not.
- Annoymous -

We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies.
- Roderick Thorp, Rainbow Drive -

Success comes in cans, not can'ts.
- Annoymous -

Put your future in good hands - your own.
- Annoymous -

If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price.
- Annoymous -

If isinot the mountain we conquer but ourselves.
- Edmund Hillary, mountaineer -

Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong.
- Peter T. Mcintyre -

You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them.
- Michael Jordan, American basketball player -

Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway.
- Mary Kay Ash, writer and entrepreneur -

Confidence is a habit that can be developed by acting as if you already had the confidence you desire to have.
- Brian Tracy, American personal development coach -

Where there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.
- African Proverb -

We probably wouldn't worry about what people think of us if we could know how seldom they do.
- Olin Miller, writer -

Oliver Wendell Holmes once attended a meeting in which he was the shortest man present. "Dr. Holmes," quipped a friend, "I should think you'd feel rather small among us big fellows." "I do," retorted Holmes, "I feel like a dime among a lot of pennies."
- Annoymous -

"You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who'll decide where to go."
- Dr Seuss -

Brains

2007-05-07T01:16:00.000-07:00

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women , but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Why Lawyers Should Never Ask A Witness A Question If They Aren't Prepared For The Worst Answer

2007-05-07T01:13:00.000-07:00

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains
to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigtoed and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."